Last week of 2012

Dropping a tumble dryer on your big toe possibly, isn’t the wisest thing to do. Neither was the misdemeanour with Tampax Pearl. A ‘monthly’ lasting a literally a month! Yes OMG. FFS and the rest. Stress, operation, tumeric and garlic supplements? Whatever “upset of the apple catcher cart” triggered it. Stops now. Balance is bliss. Menopause at 37 really wouldn’t be funny.
Its just dawned on me why my feet arches hurt too. Walking on a cobbly beach after a week in bed, strained my trotters. My Stan Smiths weren’t designed for that. Harbours can be lethal to pedestrians. In the rain….
Seeing “Joan” slip over on a rainy boardwalk was hysterical,(can’t help it) but so very wrong to laugh at the poor old bird. No doubt she has osteoporosis. As we four walked past, shoulders spasming up and down. Trying to not laugh out loud. It got funnier and funnier. What wasn’t funny was the delayed vomit virus caught that weekend at a party. Another sober Christmas. Change of diet and bowel trouble. It just got better. Now the headache virus. All pushes me to becoming a full time hermit.
We have our pregnant cat outrageously flirting and shagging our boy cat, who had had his balls chopped. Cat lipsticks… Uuurgh.
I’ve found a new hobby. Involving sinus rinse. Todays sinus agony, relieved by that and popping decongestant pills. Perseverance before another hospital referral and poke!
Rain or shine we are venturing into the wild tomorrow. Noah may have been having a great time whaling in the floods. I’m fed up of being cooped up and what feels like 3 hours of daylight a day. If it snowed, at least it would be exciting.
An afternoon of meditation, self healing and therapies in our healing room will prepare me for 2013. Lying here having my head stroked is bliss. The most sensual, loving hands. Hitting reflexology hotspots. Next year means knuckling down. Cracking on. No more wallowing in self pity. As ultimately does ones moral and health no good. Music, Art, Reiki. Making my wife happy. Healthy living. Maybe a bit more red wine? Have hardly drank this year. Well compared to the rest of my life. I have been put off by seeing some horrible things. Addiction is never pretty. Withdrawal is a nightmare. Quitting smoking was hard. Withdrawing from Tramadol was wall crawling. I have a really addictive streak. So have to be careful. Luckily apart from the ciggies. I’ve never woken up craving. Nothing like a helicopter to wake you up at 01:16 am. Luckily I’m awake typing this blog.
I had a nap earlier. Listening to a Wa Na Nee Che guided meditation. I’ve never ever remained conscious through it. Maybe one day. He has the most relaxing voice. Ooh here comes the Helicopter circling again. Just to wake the dead this time round.


The Horror Of Negative People

The true horror of Negative People and their influence.

Nowadays I pity negative, miserable people. I used to hate them, really hate them. I’d get really upset and angry ( I’m human, I’m still learning, finding my way to stop the affects of them) Hate is an emotion I no longer try to feel. As it doesn’t make me feel better. Sending my hate out into the Universe only increases my suffering. How awful must your life be, if you have to behave in such a terrible way towards others. I’m glad I am me. I’m lucky, I have great mentors and support. I listen and take action now. 
I’ve learnt the hard way. Frustration, upset, attacks. Psychic Vampirism. (ever been around people and feel really drained?) You just can’t help everyone. Sometimes with the best intentions. You get ‘made out’ to be the enemy. Some people never accept new additions to a group or change. Alienation does not feel nice. It happens. It doesn’t really fall under the bullying umbrella. As the “You can’t get on with everyone, so just be pleasant” (eg keep your gob shut, head down and do not dare have an different opinion! Keep the peace) speech occurs. Fear, resentment, mistrust, previous damage to themselves. All contribute to a nasty experience. I’ve been the brunt. I also know how and why good teamwork… Works. Poor management can ruin productivity, equilibrium. So can poor employees. The best managers I have worked with had a sense of humor, were kind souls, knew their job inside out. Got their hands dirty, communicated and most importantly, kicked ass in a proper manner when it was needed! Staff with bad behaviors who are allowed to continue. Cause much upset. I know, I used to be like that in my younger years. A righteous pain in the vag!
Positive influence, good organization, proper training, clear goals, support gains trust and loyalty. After maturing a little, in my 30’s. I managed teams of people for a while. (I’d worked incredibly hard to get offered the opportunity) I learnt a lot. I hope I’m remembered by most as one of the good ones. There are always the people you just can never, ever get on with. I will never profess to be perfect. But I do learn from my mistakes, admitting and apologising when in the wrong.   Personality clashes occur. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. Stitch ups happen when slimy people try to further their career and brown tongue. (poor you, if that’s what you have to do to get on)
I was always fair but firm. Sticking up for my staff. I did love a good giggle and practical joke. I worked in Retail for 18 years. The back stabbing and lies by certain managers was bad enough.

Now the general public, that’s another kettle of bad fish. Very bad fish.

For some reason. Certain individuals eg “Customers” and their terrible ego and bad attitudes, truly believe shop workers are scum of the Earth. I could write a book about the threats, incidents, physical violence and vileness. Oh and the hysterical and strange occurrences. The Sunday morning skid marked pants after a night on the ale, eye watering body odour, domestics, rows over a cashiers “dirty look”, moaning that they couldn’t report someone to customer service as they were “Too Nice”. People trying to buy vodka with their benefits food vouchers. ( I just love paying my taxes to these sorts, I’ve worked and contributed since I was 16 years old) Then kicking off! Oh and just when you think a cashier doesn’t know you’ve been eating the loose grapes on the way round… That secret extra pressure applied to the scale when you are not looking settles things ;-0

If ‘Shopping’ and ‘Queuing’  truly ignites your rage. TRY: Internet shopping! It may be the solution, or anger management? Or getting a life? Being barred helped us poor staff!

If I had £1 for every time we got “I pay your Wages!!!”

Well actually you dont. If you never shopped there, the company would not go bankrupt and I would still get paid. And if I was evil and pitiful like you, I’d have loved to walk into your ‘amazing job’ that makes you a supreme being better than everybody else and entitles you to be a rude twat! Then I’d lay into you, belittle you, threaten you, moan about petty things like it was the end of the world and see how you liked it!! Day in day out!

It all got too much for me. ( I job hunted, got rejections, failed interviews for a year. But you know what? I persevered. I knew if I tried and tried. I’d eventually escape. I got a new job. I resigned, walked away from the horrors of retail for good. I will simply not settle for working with negative folk or being exposed if I can help it. Yes I do have control of that choice ) The public helped me hate myself, the name calling ( I’ve been called every obscenity under the sun ) my confidence and health hit rock bottom by the end. I was on the wrong path in life. The Powers That Be we’re showing me lessons. Eventually later on I acknowledged. I meet far less awful people nowadays. But I’m still working on my reaction to them.
I have much respect for people who work with the public. It’s a hard job. Can be soul destroying. It also can be very rewarding when you make a difference. Get a smile, a thank you. 

Society is becoming more unbalanced. Violence, greed, religion, social breakdown, lack of deterrent of consequence for crime, which is on the increase, unemployment, generation after generation void of hope, education. The trouble with guns?  ‘Protection, deterrent’ if your world is so unsafe, until the wrong person uses them for mass slaughter. Guns don’t destroy lives, people who use them do. Everyone likes to blame Governments, Banks. People rarely look at their own behavior. People want want want. NOW! I’m no economy expert. I try to avoid the news. It’s depressing. Now moaning, whinging..Maybe it’s the British? (I’m from England btw) Maybe when you get older you moan more? Maybe people interfere and judge everyone else, instead of getting on with their own lives. ENJOYING THEM..MMmmmm.
Bad news sells. No one wants to hear about good news… Apparently. All very doom and gloomy isn’t it?

That’s until you remove yourself from those situations. Once you break free of being programmed.
Take a walk in the wild. Observe the beauty of everything around you, be grateful of what you have. There is always someone worse off than yourself, suffering, dying. Im sorry, everyone’s body dies. Cruelly before their time. Or was it “their time?” But.. Don’t worry. The afterlife is real. You’ll see. 😉 Thats MY opinion, knowledge, belief, experience. You, I’m sure will make up your own mind. The body is a vessel. The spirit, soul, your essence, energy exists. Your true self.. Not the mind (The Ego)
If you do feel someone is sucking the life force out of you. Shields up. Cut the cord. Sometimes making them aware stops it. A lot of the time. They are unaware they are doing it.
You get the people whose continued control dramas, “poor me” cause upset and misery. Does physical illness manifest itself if a person is unbalanced, stressed? Are we all just genetically programmed. The power of what you consume? The power of the mind. The power of belief. The damage of regret, jealousy, anger, upset , abuse.
The healing of happiness, Healthy eating, contentment, love, laughter.

A greasy Kebab after a belly full of beer has been bliss in the past. Not nowadays. Green leafy things make me feel good, clear and give me energy. I’ve never drank coffee. I cant bear the taste of the stuff.( I’ve really tried to like it, it makes me retch) The most we drink at a ‘coffee shop’ is a Hot Chocolate of a nice brew of Assam tea.

I  choose not to hang around negative people socially. What is the point of having your day ruined and made to feel depressed?

I treat troubled souls and help rebalance them on a professional level Practicing Reiki. It’s great helping people who want to make positive changes, seeing results. Learning from my experiences, working with the energies, practicing my training. Committing myself to something good that not only helps me, helps others. I can’t save and help everyone. People have to want to help themselves. Open themselves to Unconditional Love. But every little bit of positive thinking and activity gets sent out. Negativity only attracts negativity.

Sometimes in life/work its really hard to escape negativity . Life is too short in this world for me personally to tolerate being surrounded by it. It makes me ill, physically. Yes i get physical manifestations.  I choose not to. I try not to let people affect me. But sometimes when you are surrounded by it, it affects me terribly. Causes stress. Stress = very, very BAD. I will leave/escape a bad environment once all else fails. Its really not worth staying for the bad vibes.

When I’m around positivity, laughter, fun, love, creativity. I’m in my own little Heaven. It feels so good, inspiring, healthy.
I’d love to go build a log cabin in the middle of nowhere, with a small community of fellow light workers. Live off the land. Help others. Run a retreat for those in need. Battered wives, animals, lost souls. Basically those who need help. Well, that’s the plan. We are working to achieve that goal.
I love hugging trees. I love fresh air, the freedom of nature, the sea, a forest, fields in bloom, music, art, meditation, blue skies. I love our cats, my friends, family and wife. I want for nothing as I’m owed nothing, my life is abundant. I’m not materialistic. When I sit back and truly think about it. Life is rather good.


The Consequence of Brussel Sprouts

Night fluffs.
The farts, fuelled by Brussel Sprouts are horrific. When sharing a bed with the napalm filled arse of your soulmate and love of your life; the aftermath of a lovely Sunday Lunch at an Olde World Pub on an Island off the south coast of England. The laughter soon dissipates, unlike the gas. The nightmare of no matches at hand. Retching..coughing, nausea to the nostrils. Not doing my infected sinus/polyp party any good.
Maybe I’m still getting karma after eating a pizza that was far too mixed with things that didn’t agree. Me letting out a gift for the wife who was on the phone at the time. She then had to hand it to me while rushing off to the bathroom to UP CHUCK. That episode made me squeal and cry laughing. Our friend at the other end of the phone didn’t quite get the sudden Wacky Races Mutley impression and high pitch squealing occurring. It was cruel and naughty. Sometimes you don’t realise the power and potency of bottom burps. ( I did spend that night on the toilet during a band rehearsal, had to then crash in my bandmates spare room and recover after losing and flushing away all my internal organs .. While everyone else partied after) the only saving grace.. I was the only one without a hangover the following morning.
I move finally to my favourite memory of recents. Having gone to a carvery with my inlaws. Eyes bigger than tum. I felt the urge to “let one go” at the table, thinking silent and unnoticeable in a crowded noisy pub. At the exact moment of release. My arse amplified it to tuba volume levels, the pub went silent. Jaws dropped. My in laws; horrified. I cried laughing. After a good telling off. Their disbelief and somewhat giggling. I laughed even more. This still gets mentioned to this day. Threatened with being grassed up to my parents.. The lecture resulting would be horrific!
Life, since settling down in my middle to late thirties has turned into fart amusement competitions.
From dropping an air biscuit at the checkout in supermarkets, then walking off to “fetch something” nearly peeing my pants.. while my wifey coughs, heaves, tears streaming.
I hope I never follow through.. As you get older.. Things get saggy!

Flatulence can turn a blue sea brown


Bored of Facebook… WordPress Blog Time.

I’ve just started blogging again. After a long time away. Previous journals years ago, typing my dark place hell and addictions on myspace for the world to peruse. In the hope my own exorcism of thoughts, ideas, dreams and negative verbal vomit would help me escape my wilderness. Nowadays ( 2 years later and the path of sorting myself is well travelled ) Clear headedness, herbal teas, now help me shine a little brighter.
I used to love putting a winning hilarious comment on my Facebook status, promote my music to people who never come to our gigs or buy our albums. (Sickipedia generated some gems to share… Nothing too vile or politically incorrect though for mine ) That little egotistical thrill and popularity boost of how many ‘likes’ ‘omgs’ ‘lmaos’ ‘lols’ and ‘rofls’. How many of my FB ‘pals’ do I actually know or have met in real life? Erm… Possibly around 100 (including previous work colleagues) out of my 1000 + . The addiction of Facebook has worn thin. Checking it constantly, (Toilet, breaks, bed, waking, middle of night insomnia, watching a movie.. well obviously not paying it my full attention, during a meal, on the bus.. and so on) Fearing missing out on something. Something major, something exciting. some snippet of excellence. That…. rarely comes. Having suffered the constant drivel of people posting and reposting overkill of crap pictures with ‘funny, wise, political or poetic statements’ or the political guilt trips. Cruelty, “Eat Vegan” or die of a heart attack meat eaters” apparent unhealthy cruel animal murdering fat bastards” according to some… dictatorship (now that caused a big row! And eventual deletion) don’t get me wrong. Opinion entitlement is a right of the free world. Saying the same shit over and over again dictating and guilt tripping lessens the point, clogs up news feeds and frankly bores you to death.

My own mind
Is non negotiable. Hell will freeze over before I’m bullied. It can be gently influenced with valid gentleness. Thank the clever gnomes in the forest for the ‘Unsubscribe’ option, rather than full on ‘delete.’ (And they don’t even realise you can no longer suffer them on your news feed 😉
Then we get the true torment “just done washing, fed kids, had dinner” “watched paint dry” “my life is so incredibly boring I’m going to write about it with running commentaries”
Then you get the moaning, negativity, airing dirty linen, arguments, bitchyness, workmates slag offs. Stalking, spying, speculating, pervs, green card seekers, stirrers and occasional funny person ….hallelujah. The refreshing breeze of change bitch slaps your faith in humour. Whoop!
After spending an Eon unsubscribing to the majority. I’m left with a handful.
All in all its got very boring for me on Facebook. Android Phone Technology has enabled mass post dribblings. I moved to Twitter. There is hope now.

Then, December 2012. I joined WordPress. I felt the urge to write now I’m a little older, wiser, settled and happier. Brilliant 🙂


The Train… Journeying

The Train…. Journeying
Meditation music in my ears. Sends me sleepy.
The appetizing smell of Cheesy Doritios. My nose adores, my present stomach virus sends me nausea. It’s like I’m in two halves. Above and below myself.
Anything for a lung of fresh breeze. We forgot the ham cobs and green olives. Too busy saying goodbye to the cats. Plus new kittens yet to be born. Neighborly good spirit and kindness is appreciated. The lovely hand knitted draught excluder. My Mum managed to make in a week to keep out the cold in our hallway. Bless her.
My Pumpkin Hot Chocolate is something special to be adored. National Geographic is my companion. I entered the competition to India way before we departed. Trains I can read on. Boats and sea sickness never affect me. Plane take offs make me anxious. Cars.. Well cars and buses. If I even read my phone while traveling in them . Nausea and headache instantly. Motorbike and cycling exploration is adventure.
I close my eyes and see blue pastures. Slowly rocking in my lullaby seat. It’s Christmas Holidays. The passengers relaxed, Happy, heading to their destinations. Coach C is decorated the colour of the sea. Where I’m heading.
Listening to the bloke trying to claim the ‘unreserved’ table 4 seats as his own “reserved” for friends. Who happen to be invisible. Making himself look stupid to the other passenger who has rightfully claimed and encroached in this free “space”. Saying he will move when the “friends” appear.. Chortle. Now he takes his shoes off and rests his socks on the seat opposite to gain more territory.
In the pitch black night sky, that this time in 6 months will be brilliant sunshine, marshmallow Clouds and bumble bee blue skies. That smell of summer. Missed in the dark, damp winter time. Tomorrow I will smell the sea air. The healing energies will clear my troubled mind. My guilty mind. For again, I suffer caught illness. My body just won’t allow activity beyond a shuffle. My mind can’t handle tv. Even though we both laughed oh so loudly at the “Food Poisoning” Scene in ‘Bridesmaids’ last night. A lifetime top 10 Rofl for me. Yule, Solstice. 22/12/12. No ending to the World. A new Dawn.

How musicians are created…


I’m blessed to be in this band. The Idolins  

My solo works Bog Woppit 

The big question.

Are you born a musician, or do you train and become a musician?

My name is Claudine West aka Claudine Barker-West. I’m 37 years old. I live in Nottingham. UK. I’m a multi-instrumentalist.  Oh and yes you have probably never heard of me. 

Music has been in my life since I can remember. From my first Bontempi Keyboard and 2nd hand classical guitar; my Dad bought me while on holiday in Norfolk, UK. It was only when I moved onto electric and steel strings did I realise what a nighmare classicals are to play and start on as a kid. (So what to Schools do? Make kids play ’em! Cruel )

Now I’ve not been trained in a ‘training’ sheet music kind of way.

I bought chord books for keyboards and guitar. Sat and played, practiced. Shut myself in dark rooms so I didn’t need to look at my hands to play the chords. Looking back I was a loner, socially crippled (still am to an extent), shy, a disturbed child ( luckily not due to any trauma, abuse etc) just special in my own strange way.

Music made me feel good, it released my pent up creativity. It drew me to it, tempted, excited, satisfied. Music just came out of me and my fingers without me having to sit there and work out each note.  By this point every Birthday and Christmas present was music related. My first tape 4 track recorder.  I was privileged.

School involved verbal bullying, name calling due to my deformed face. (Surgery at 19 corrected it, not my self hatred..Thanks Bullies. I’m so glad im not you. I pity you. no one likes to be called a monster amongst other things!)  and near 6 feet tall skinny frame (I was probably too tall and intimidating to get punched) maybe I screamed misfit.

I retreated, was encouraged and supported into music and art indulgence.  I had an amazing Music teacher (Simon Davie) at secondary School (Frank Wheldon, Nottingham class of 1991/2 ish) Spent most of my lunch breaks and spare time in the music block. Jamming. Playing on the piano, or playing on the Grand Piano in their Concert Hall. Some little turd, with a grudge burnt the school down years later. (and most likely my lovely Grand Piano) Its been rebuilt as a sports college now.

At 16 (thanks to my sister complaining) I got a job in a local supermarket (18 years of customer hell and vileness, back stabbing, gossip, hangovers, but lots of laughs and messing about) I currently work for the NHS. (inspired by true hatred of retail and damage done, my Dad being awarded an MBE (God bless you Princess Anne) for his services to the NHS. (I’M SO PROUD) the final straw being told I deserved to be raped as I was a lesbian!! Adorable customer scumbag!

I’m proud to be doing my day job bit helping poorly folk. Reiki is my life calling along with art and music. Indulgence is bliss.

So basically from my first job (yes kids I worked for my things, put up with some abominations, stinky fuckers, rude bastards and worked every shift pattern known to Mankind) bought more instruments. Worked nights for a year and at around 19, I bought my first Pearl Export Drumkit; and a Zildjian Cymbal every payday. 

My basic chord and note learning moved into capo and key change experiments. ‘Capoing’ a guitar. Recording that track. Then working out a new fret capo and different chord structures to make things sound sweet in stereo.(I still do this today)

From around 13 years old. I’d written songs, composed music, learnt the art of multi tracking (Live performance, warts and all… not computer generated  cheating) Warbled with a very crap gob (surgery enabled me to sing and pronounce words better)

After finishing my A levels. Knowing full well my face operation was imminent. I chose not to further my education. I embraced live mic nights, bands, (Word For Word, Dominion, Subject To Status.. and ones I cant remember right now) gigs, music, booze, fags, grass. Indulgence. I loved my Bongos!

Live Mic at The Lion
Live Mic Night at The Lion, Basford. Nottingham. during the 1990s

Inspired by Jim Morrison’s whisky intake. I had a pretty good go. Ooh I loved my Bourbon and Wild Turkey. Fortunately I never woke up craving alcohol. I rarely drink now mainly because my money is better spent and my body just needs to mend. I do tend to get occasionally battered on the red wine, (big fan of a good Shiraz Cabernet nowadays) at a band rehearsals and spend the next day puking my guts up feeling like death. Swearing on my grave its green tea forever. Ange (my wifey) once farted in bed after one of these night. That set me off on a big boff. She blamed the booze. I blamed the stench. I may write a blog on farting. It’s something that makes me cry laughing.

I began a 10 year exodus into my world ‘Claudsville’

I bought a Fender Bass guitar, Mandolins, more acoustics, A Fender Stratocaster. Eventually I bought a Taylor Acoustic. Elixir custom light strings. Bar that fact that you really cant have too many instruments. I’m content.

I learnt to finger pick. I practiced strumming 😉 being a percussionist helps with rhythm. Being a drummer is a great cure for PMT. There is a big misconception that playing the drums is about kicking the shit out of them. Maybe for some drummers.. Its about creating rhythm, patterns. Jamming, linking, connecting, locking in with your bass player (my Yang to my Ying is the very Talented Dave Pacey) 

I played Glen Miller Jazz at School. Moved into Blues Jamming in pubs and Rock Bands.

I love the Folk music, acoustic stuff on the guitar. I enjoy experimenting with effects and layers on my electric guitar parts I compose. I’m not anal enough to go into great technical detail. I’ll leave that one to others.

You can watch some videos if you so wish on my Claudsville Youtube Channel


I dated a sound engineer. (Pete, lovely bloke) me, trying to at least be bisexual. Ultimately you can’t change who you are and what floats your boat. Women do it for me. I’m happily handfasted to my soulmate Ange. After spending a little while sampling a few unhinged (to be polite) birds. Not a good combination with me being me.

I met Grimm (Graham Skelton-Ruth) an amazing guitarist. You can hear some of his Lead Guitar Genius on my Bog Woppit Recordings.

Had M.S. taught me sarcasm to the extreme. Inspired me. Listened to my drunken rants and exorcism of demons. He died when I was 27. (overdosed) that destroyed me.

Claud & Grimm
Claud & Grimm

I luckily managed to travel to America and spend time touring with my family. Some were living there at the time. Texas. Got to Jam on drums in a bar in San Antonio. Being rewarded by a shot of Wild Turkey courtesy of the bar tender.(THAT MADE MY DAY!) I talked at lots of stuff out.  HEALING PROCESS.

I’d played regularly at the Lion Pub in Basford before Grimms Death. We used to go on a Thursday live mic night. I’d get drunk to try to control my morbid stage fright. Play 3 solo songs (not covers, I performed my own. There are plenty of people riding the cover version appreciation wave for applause and a career. Not me.  I like to  create, not copy) If you are going to cover a song. At least do something different with it.

I met Karen Smalley-Turner at such a night. We recorded a few sessions at Grimms Home Studio. ( I basically lived there and slept in there at weekends and every Holiday)

We then lost tough for a while. She had a baby. Robyn. Then as fate has it. I met her again while working in a shop. Broke the sad news that Grimm had died. (not the best way to tell someone over a checkout) I’m known for my Oral splurts of the wrong thing at the wrong time. We later got together and played a gig. The rest my friends is history. 12 years later. Our official Website is here The Idolins  are going from strength to strength. We have expanded. Played live at the 2012 London Olympics. Love each other dearly and are back recording 2013 after a wonderful 2012.

The Idolins. Sound Of The Rain Album
The Idolins. ‘Sound Of The Rain’ 2010 Album
Greenwich Park 2012 Olympics. Photo Rob Smalley. Scene photography
Greenwich Park 2012 Olympics. Photo Rob Smalley. Scene Photography
Karen & Claudine Live 2011The Idolins
Karen & Claudine Live 2011
The Idolins
Live @ The Royal Concert Hall, Nottingham Photo Rob Smalley. Scene photography
Live @ The Royal Concert Hall 2012, Nottingham Photo Rob Smalley. Scene Photography
The Idolins 'You Said'  Album 2011
The Idolins ‘You Said’ Album 2011
The Notts Factor Final 2012.
Subway Circus Live at Nottinghamshire Pride 2012
Subway Circus Live at Nottinghamshire Pride 2012

I’ve also been driven back to playing the Drums again. The new Rock Band. Subway Circus. Has been born. More to follow 2013.

<<Subway Circus Live at Nottinghamshire Pride 2012.
My Dad told Karen and I about my Great Grandparents. The Drews. They played instruments. Maybe music is inherited?

All I know is I love it. I can only describe it as an energy of sound. I’m a vessel for it to travel. I dont consciously think about what i’m playing. It just happens. Flukes. Maybe my mind already rehearsed it? Maybe I’m a puppet for Angels?

The Stage fright gets easier as I age.

People have asked for lessons, like I’ll show them an easy non effort way. My answer is always the same.

“Learn your f**King self!! ;-)”

I’m blessed. I’m rehearsed.

Past Life Regression. Session.


I ‘personally’ do believe that each life you live (Your soul, not necessarily ancestor wise) is a progression, a training ground to learn lessons.


If someone lives an unhappy life, is maybe depressed, stressed, a major event occurs. Resulting in suicide. In the next life. Do similar issues haunt and dog that soul. Only released, when they have acknowledged, learnt?

Maybe some people can never be ‘cured’. Maybe souls can.

I ponder upon the amount of people who are institutionalized. Having admitted their gift of communicating/hearing others.. spirits, guides. Do you believe in Demons? Diagnosed as Schizophrenic? Maybe their Crown Chakra and 3rd eye are wide open? Not knowing how to control it.

How much do medical professionals shrug off holistic therapies? I hope one day they embrace fully for patients the benefits of Holistic Therapies. Along side the use of traditional medicine.

A balanced human is a happy, healthy being. Meridian lines unblocked, Chakras, vortexes of whirling dervishes. Open… accepting, wanting to be healed. They are aided in releasing stress, anger, and negativity. Achieving aids to make positive changes in their lives and ways of thinking to achieve equilibrium.

A person can heal as much as their greater good intends. Sometimes miracles happen. Terminal illness is cured against all odds. Hope, faith, wonderment.

Some people are not meant to heal. Some die, some say before their time. Maybe that is their path. As Reiki Practitioners; we don’t control the results of a session with a client, friend, loved one. We intend the energy goes where it needs to go and does what it needs. Sending unconditional love. If that person is so closed off or doesn’t not want to heal. Then we intend the healing go to whoever needs it.

I’m no expert; I learn new things every day. I can only express my opinions, thoughts and my experiences so far. Maybe in years to come I’ll express something different. This life’s a big adventure. I’m well on my path of discovery.

A big lesson is healing oneself.  Currently : I tend to get very carried away helping others. Only to neglect my own healing. Negligence of daily healing routine beings me here. (WHAT A NUMPTY!) My life has had had upset lately. I’m not coping too well. I’m certain it’s all happening for a reason. The 2012 Ascension from 3rd Dimension to 5th Dimension.

The dawn of a new age of more openness to spiritualism and peace. I’ve been watching Doomsday documentaries on YouTube, reading about RELIGIOUS hate groups such as The Westboro Baptist Church. Who blame everything bad in the world as the wrath of God. Being a lesbian myself, I don’t think I’ll be joining. Each to their own beliefs mind, whatever floats your boat… As long as it doesn’t harm others or incite violence. Negativity attracts negativity. The more I read up and practice the law of attraction. The more I understand and experience it.

I lay here in my sick bed typing this. (Again listening to Gregorian Monks chanting, finding peace) Feeling pretty sorry for myself, miffed at what’s currently being thrown at me, served up on the plate of doom. But I know by the end of writing, I’ll feel better. The rest is doing me good.

I’m currently struggling with my own previous neglect and physical manifestations. Guilty over enjoyment of my musician lifestyle indulgences in my 20’s. By body is totally out of sync after a 3rd operation on my face within 18 months. The last one to remove infected metal plates in my cheek. (I previously had a double osteotomy at the age of 19 to correct my face and bite)..That’s another

Now they are looking at polyps and sinuses as the issue. Being a ex smoker I could slap myself. Frustration. At the why me? But if I haven’t suffered, how can I feel empathy for others I help? Working towards a healthier 2013. Discovery as to why you are the way you are is an empowering thing. I’m lucky. I have Reiki Masters, friends, family, loved ones and very wise ones supporting. I had to crawl out of my dark cave a few years ago to ask for help and open up. Progression. Life would be boring if it were easy.


I had a past life regression session with Lyn Griffin. This is how it went these are the visions I saw. To try to explain. I’m aware of my own body in this life. During the regression. I saw visions, glimpses, objects, words, thoughts came. At times it’s like like watching a movie, being the camera. I was anxious it wouldn’t work, as was so very intrigued.  I’d had a taster session from her and found myself in other life in America in the west. Cowboy. A vision standing in a barn looking out onto a cornfield in the breeze and sunshine, feeling peace is as clear to me now as was during that regression. (I’ve always been drawn to the USA. When I went to Texas in this life and explored with some relatives I felt truly at home. Was rather gutted and considered eloping on a long road trip back on my return to England). I have a lot of male past lives. I’m very not girly, girly, nor do I want to be in this one. I do embrace my womanhood. But its got to be a very special occasion to get me in a dress ;-s

First Lyn took me ‘back’ from my safe place, a garden. Down a path. To the left trees. The right a long stone wall with various doors.  I walked this path until felt drawn, to a door; to a time in one of my past lives. This is my experience. This is what I’ve transcribed from the recording.

tree path

I initially felt a ‘blockage’ just saw darkness, a tunnel and purple colours. I moved deeper down. Then I saw holly, ‘spikey’ plants. However we then entered a ‘back entrance’. I then became aware I was in a graveyard.  It was evening and misty. I didn’t feel threatened I then approached a stone church. A big brown door. Looking on the red wall surrounding the door, the year 1735 flashes at me. I enter….

To the right were the pews. I was drawn to a black door, which was on my left; I enter a kitchen, a big wooden table to my left. I see knives; a round saw hanging off the walls. The realisation eventually occurs that it’s not a kitchen, but a mortuary.  Looking around the room, I then walk over to a big black cupboard. I open it to find jars full of ‘things’ red things to what I can only describe as organs. (At this point I felt dread. I really hoped I wasn’t a serial killer in a past life) But surprisingly I didn’t feel disgusted, it all felt very normal.

Lyn asked me to look down at my feet. I saw light brown (Deer?) ‘felt’ boots. Tied round the top of my ankles. What else was I wearing? A white shirt.

I kept getting flashes of leather brown leather belts but I couldn’t work out why. I welled up with emotion and wanted to cry with the realization; that I prepared the dead for burial, with respect and care.

How old? I was 31 years of age. I was a mortician. (This would explain my obsession in this life with the curiosity of the dead and did at one point consider training to be a mortician or in Pathology)

Lyn asked how long had I been working there? 5 years

Do you work with anyone else? Yes an assistant, a young lad. He wears a green top. He is my helper, 17 years old.

Do you have family? Yes I have a sister. She is 29. I see her in a long off white dress.

Lyn then moves me to a ‘significant event’

I see blood on the floor in the Church, in the room I work. There is a body on the table. (I begin to get agitated, bear in mind I have my safe place, the garden if things get too traumatic)

The torso is cut wide open. I didn’t do it!! ??

I see green. It’s the young apprentice. He wasn’t meant to do that. They weren’t supposed to be dead on the table. He brought them there. A woman. My sister. Her eyes are open. I can see her dead eyes.  All I can concentrate on is her open dead eyes. Why did he do it I ask?

He was in a relationship with her.

Anger, Rage… he killed her and layed her out for me to see. Her organs have been removed.

I keep getting the word ‘leather’ and see brown leather belts.

We explore the significance of the leather.

I see a horse, saddle, Stirrups.

Then I’m in a ploughed field with a water/drinking trough. I’m drawn to a hedge. I look. There is a rag, a dirty rag. With something in it. I look.

It’s a baby. A dead baby. It’s his (my apprentice) baby. He didn’t want it. My sister is the mother of the baby. He cut the baby out of her and killed it. Killed her in the process.

I feel ..Why? Why do it.

What happens next?

I see my hands closing around his neck. I kill him. Justice.

I bury him in an unmarked grave in the graveyard.


People ask questions. But I never get found out.

We move to me when I’m older.

I’m sitting a rocking chair smoking a pipe made out of clay, bone?

My hair is white. I’m happy, content.  My wife has made stew in a cauldron pot. I see kind blue eyes.

Lyn then asks me to jump to a happy time with my sister.

I’m running in a field of flowers, happy, laughing with my sister.

I look into her blue eyes, into her soul.

I’m asked if I’m reminded of anyone is this life.

Its Ange. (my wife is this life) I remember this 1st time I met her. We sat across a table in a pub. Her Aura shined. I felt incredibly comfortable. The beautiful blue kind eyes. Recognition. We are Soul mates. My sister in a previous life.

We go back to when I’m old. How I feel about my life.

I’m not full of guilt by what I did to the apprentice. I needed to happen. I still see my sisters empty dead eyes on that table. They haunt me.

We talk about my sister an our relationship. I see cobbles, She is very positive, jolly. Thin. Wearing a bonnet. We grew up together, very close.

Our parents died when we were teenagers.

I keep getting flashes of the colour yellow. I see yellow in the river, a stream. Sulphur.

My parents were poisoned by the drinking water. They didn’t know it was poisoned.


I was left to look after my sister. I got a job, as an apprentice. In the church. An old man taught me, I’d met him through attending church and got talking. He had kind eyes. .. Ange’s father.

I then see my parents. They were Tanners. I see animal hides. I see fur being scraped. Leather. The belts! Really shiny belts. Making saddles.

The skills I learnt from my parents creating things. Helped my in my mortician job. Having used instruments. I already had the skills. I came from a family of tanners. They worked in round stone hut. I see the straw on the floor.

We then move to my last day in this life. I’m 63.

I’m in a forest, I smell the forest. Fresh. The leaves are on the trees.

Then I’m lying down on the floor looking up. I can’t see the sky for all the leaves above.

I feel something wooden, like a stake in my stomach. A spade?

I then go back to just before this. I leave my home to go to work. To the church. I journey through the woods to get there.

I’m approaching the treeline.


Big tall old trees. I see a man ahead to my left. He has a freckled face. Tall thin. Ginger haired. Green eyes. Bad teeth. A woodsman?? I don’t know him.

There is an axe is a log stump.

He’s pushed me to the floor. I see red toadstools. I keep seeing brown leather belts.

He wants my leather money pouch. It’s attached to my brown leather belt with a brass buckle. He pushes me to the floor. He stabs me with something wooden.

I’m lying there, helpless. Looking up. The woodsman takes my pouch.

My last thoughts are concerns for my wife. I hope she is ok. She doesn’t know.

Then I see blue sky, peace.


I feel no pain.

I’m a white energy travelling upwards.

I’m looking down upon my body.

My thoughts about my life. I really enjoyed my final years. I was happy with my wife. Her cooking eat stews.. Contentment.

I look back at what I achieved. I helped people go to their graves with dignity.

At this point my thoughts an feelings towards my apprentice were still that he deserved to die. He would have done it to others. I stopped him. He was on a very dark place.

I then move into my higher awareness. Out of physical body. Who I truly am. “Soul, Spirit.Energy”

My awareness. I’m a rainbow. I exist as a white energy. A spectrum of colours.

I look down to the Earth. See the fields. I then go to the place of my life learning.

I see steps. I see a man above me. I don’t recognise him. But he feels familiar.


He is here to help me become aware of lessons learned in that lifetime.

I was there to help people, create things. Make things. Use my hands.

But I used my creative hands to kill someone. I shouldn’t have.

It was wrong and done in temper.

I was not meant to destroy.

If I could have done something differently. I wouldn’t have killed my apprentice.

I didn’t have the right to put that punishment on him. Someone else. The law, justice should have dealt with him. A trial.

Maybe the way I died was Karma.

Lyn: “Karma serves not to punish us, but for understanding”

How I felt about my murderer?

A tormented soul, greedy. Didn’t want to work for a living. He would have carried on suffering.

I worked hard all of my life. He took it away from me.

Seeing my sister’s dead eyes, I lost control and strangled my apprentice in temper.

My lesson learned. Use my hands for good,. Don’t lose my temper.

It’s something that I continue to work on in this life. I’ve been blessed with musical talent, art and Practice Reiki. With my hands.

I don’t lose my temper in a physical way.  The extreme..I’ll hit a cushion in a rage. Then go on a bicycle ride in the woods. But in this life I have to stop letting people push my buttons. Instead of a considered, calm response. I fly off the handle. Temper didn’t serve me well in the past life. It won’t and isn’t in this life.

I do get tried and tested constantly by negative people. They want me to suffer their horrible lives. I pity them now. I used to hate them.

Patience and calm are my aim in this life. The answers come to me.

Achieved by meditation. “Meditation” is the key. Natural foods, cut out the toxins. Water.

Walking away, taking a breath.

Lyn talks me through this;

I understand that I’m constantly being given situations in this lifetime to test my reactions. To force me to make different decisions to the ones I made in this past lifetime. Until I fully integrate the lesson. I will always be given the opportunities to learn. Since my first attunement a couple of years ago in Reiki. Having been closed off, full of anger and living a life of booze, recreational drugs, ciggies, constant upset, upheaval, moving house. Things have changed. Most of the time I see the tests coming. React differently. I’ve still not cracked it though. “I must never act or react in anger”

Slowly but surely, I make progress. I rarely drink. We cook from scratch from fresh ingredients (no ready meals) Started growing our own veg. I eat a lot of green things. Crave fresh food now. I cut out pop and now drink green tea. (well the odd bit of fizz)

My crisp addiction is almost cracked. Just chocolate.. Well cutting down. I don’t know if I could be dairy free. Who knows? I’ve never been a big red meat eater. A steak a year does me. I do enjoy chicken and fish. Have been vegetarian. I’m not here to preach how you eat.

I personally feel better pure. I do crave the odd cigarette still. Guilty pleasures…

We will see.

I continue to pursue my path to enlightenment.

Yes I do feel better now.


Splash the pedestrian in rain hobby

One of the wettest years 2012…I never tire of witnessing the result of rain-pedestrian-bus stop and vehicle splashtastic brilliance.
Having just left work. My particular bus stop is a pool of potential. I stand clear of the worst part. Other wise, previous victims dart back and forth flagging their busses down.
I’ve just laughed out loud (I simply can’t help it) at a woman got got a full frontal tidal wave!
A filthy look and lesson leant. Everyone then decided to create a shield of umbrellas. As successful as catching a bucket of water in a tea bag.

Then as Karma goes. I got splashed as a fellow hospital employee honked their horn, and created major surf at the stop. I’m still chortling. Wet trousers.

I love the rain too. 😉

Fish shelf it’s a yogurt 12/12/12

“Fish shelf it’s a yogurt” Sleep talk. A hilarious random occurrence. (quote from one of our friends)
Trogg dogs been battered 2 ways of Sunday’s: Ghost Talk. Quote from one of my dead friends.

Telling someone who is terminally ill that everything is going to be alright and we will see them “very soon 😉 ;-)” may seem outrageous.
These things happen. I’m not a follower of Religion as such. The dictation, sometimes violence, abuse, judgements, contradiction and warping of words to “suit” is not becoming or productive. Peace, oneness, mindfulness. I prefer to state I channel energies and know of the existence and trust in the Powers That Be (Ptb) I also believe in fate, karma, the law of attraction. There are far too many coincidences nowadays in my life. Intriguing. Exciting. Challenging.

Night terrors, messages from beyond the grave. We downloaded the sleep talk app. Lots of fun with thunderous snoring, chomping, shuffling, the cat purring. Pure gibberish.

I’ve struggled with sleeping as of late. I know the causes. Sometimes unpleasant things happen in life, out of ones control.
Sometimes a result of previous lifestyle choices. Sometimes the universe tests you. Making time to do the things that help is so very obvious but so un reachable right now.
I was fortunate to be sat having a cup of tea holding Ange’s hand (my wifey) @
12/12/12 12:12 and 12 seconds.
We both felt an energy creeping up us. Felt as in a goldfish bowl. Both feel a bit out of sorts now. Some strange part of my mind suggested a vision of everyone dropping dead literally in that moment. This didn’t happen fortunately.
The ascension from the 3rd dimension to the 5th. The ones who ascend are open to a more spiritual, peaceful existence.
Interesting stuff.
Lives have been tested as of late. A little chaos, a hope of calm. The ones who don’t make it. Things will settle of course. Balance will be restored. That’s natures way and the universe.
I need a good sleep now.. Please? Getting rid of the mandatory winter sniffles would because good start. Maybe my Tumeric and garlic supplement new routine is possibly disrupting ?