Choices

So that time comes when we make a choice, the choice that will change one’s history and future. That choice that has been bothering me for ages. That choice that was forced when things all of a sudden changed into something that didn’t feel so good.

On a beach. One can choose to stay in the sand and shade. Or enter the sea and float in the sunshine, wherever it takes me.

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I think when one is pummelled with stress after stress and challenge after challenge. The belief in good sinks under the ocean. Body and mind tired.  Tolerance of others fades. Being surrounded by lots of people in crisis is incredibly draining. One revaluates what is truly important. My sanity, my health, my relationship, my family. The other things.  Am I getting the pleasure from doing some of those things anymore? Or have things changed for the worse? Do I have the energy to keep producing the good stuff when others can’t?  When did all of a sudden I become nothingness? When did the thing that I created become a thing that less qualified others controlled?

I have immense problems with people who think they are superior and better than me. That’s not my insecurity. It just damn rude! Yes how very dare you. Some undervalue or are simply unaware of my talents, works and achievements. I find it disrespectful and insulting.  Experience and respect is gained over many years of working at ones fortes.  That’s doesn’t also mean that’s an excuse to power trip and treat others as inferior.  Qualifications are great. I’ve met many with qualifications that aren’t worth toilet paper. How and why they got them as I see no evidence of behaviours, knowledge or anything leaned is baffling. Is a wise man that has survived many winters on a mountain qualified to help you survive?  Or the kid that thinks they know it all?  Then there is that teamwork thing, that diplomacy.  Teams contain leaders. Leaders that focus on a result ultimately have the final word, even if some don’t like that decision. We all sometimes don’t get our own way.  As one climbs the ranks, one leans a lot and passes down side ways and upwards wisdom.

You see that very wise mountain man survived so long because the villagers fed him. He’d once helped out woodworking. He was a very popular, charming and well liked man. He didn’t feed himself; others did as a kind of exchange for his work. After time he became unmotivated, life must be easier than this. He slowed down. Taking twice as long with his work.  Eventually he stopped making things, just relied on others charity.  He became lazy. This caused discontentment. Eventually the villagers took a vote. They stopped giving him their charity and he stood alone. He became weak. He fell to his knees.  They felt oh so guilty. Those same people rescued him and fed him again. He rested on his laurels.  “Ah those idiots,” he thought. He’d sit on his porch, feet up laughing to himself. He’d succeeded on fooling them feeling sorry for him. They were bad people if they stopped feeding him. They were all so stupid! That’s where he got it wrong.  Eventually someone got pissed off and shot him dead and burned is house down. Then spat, shit and pissed on his pancakes and walked away. Life and productivity in the village bloomed. People had the time and energy now they weren’t climbing that mountain every day. People went from being disgruntled and guilty to being contented. That man was soon forgotten about, as he never made his mark. It was always take, take, take. He’d played on his age.  Used the sympathy vote. That man was more capable than most, He just could not be arsed. People see saw through him. Not all, but some.  Some are very good at spouting believable bullshit.

There are people in this world that have a dictionary of excuses for themselves, that never take responsibility. Time runs out eventually.  Things always catch up.

There is a big difference between supporting and carrying people. There is a difference between the reputation and their perceived reputation.  We make an effort in this life, or we ride on the waves of others efforts. Some have no choice; life has been harsh in body, mind and experiences. Some are just too damaged.  Some focus and manifest ill heath as earning a crust is far too frightening and takes an effort. Some believe the world owes them something. The world owes you nothing. Some do the bare minimum, while others work their arses off for the same reward. Infuriating isn’t it!

So I retreat into my own healing. I surround myself with meditations and positive energies. Good people.  Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away.  The ones that interfere, read between the lines, defend the undependable, scream the loudest. Confess responsibility of wrongdoing by outburst alone.

Implementing of change is challenging, It upsets people. I’ve done it. They fear it. They call you names, they try to harm you, they try to pressure you to stop, and they take the piss out of you. They rant about how absolutely great and right they are.  You may not get invites to their parties. But it’s not about popularity. It’s about what one wants to achieve with a project. It’s about fairness for all.  To evolve and progress. We must change.  To be open-minded is liberating. To keep banging out the same frustrations, stagnates a creative soul.  In the moments of true clarity. One asks oneself?  What do I need out of all of this? It’s not all about you. You may think it is. It is not.

Youth brings much arrogance. Age brings much stubbornness. The middle is when you find your true self. Do you listen to the masses that have decided you are wrong?  The masses that have a dictionary of excuses. The moment they are challenged. They attempt turn it around, like you are the bad person.  Or do you follow your instinct knowing that they really are. Time will prove you right. Some big corporations are rotten to the core.  Once they get away with stuff the first time, they continue and screw people over more. Eventually someone has enough. Some take a shotgun. Some take a grievance. Some expose the wrong ‘uns. Some just leave as there is no hope.

I will always stand my ground and up for myself as the world is full of losers wanting a free ride and to fuck you over on that journey. I sadly see happening more and more.  To agree to disagree is different from not listening to full potential. Closing doors on new ideas shuts you in a box.  A masterpiece can be scribbled in chalk. It is not necessary a polished diamond.  Getting problems discussed and resolved is far better than letting disillusionment built up. When things blow people go….

 I stand at the crossroads and.  

Fifty Shades of FCUK UP

We often help friends in crisis. Thats part of what Earth Tree Healing is.  It’s what we do as humans and good folk do.   Our doors is open and sofa free. I am not Yoda, nor am I the wise woman yet that I will become one day. I’m still learning. Mistakes and successes are worn on sleeves, written in the scriptures.

It would be unfair to dictate how to live your life. I’m neither setting up a religion, spreading the word that oh yes.. They are real! That was true and the government really did it! I have a new found respect for Nigella Lawson having been ‘Naughty’ like so many, who only admit it, attempt to justify when caught.  Many who willingly take drugs to have a good time, escape will only ‘publically regret it’ When they are exposed by the media. We are all responsible for our own bodies. Some abuse them, some get ill, having lived healthy lives. Some people drink, smoke, have fry ups and live very long lives. Some live the most healthy lives and die young. Who knows when your biological clock will go into self destruct. Live, love today. Tomorrow is in the future.  Who am I to tell others they are behaving like utters arseholes and should jog on and seek professional therapy to sort their shit out. Please note. There are various therapies available to folk. The first or only one prescribed my help or may not. Its kind of like.. You need beans, you like beans but you need to try other brands before you find the best tastiest one for you. A lot think they are cured, stop medicating and getting therapy. Then that crash and decline is devastating. I think if you can step outside yourself for a moment. If you start to display harmful tendencies.   Munchausen by proxy, controlling, dictating, aggression, depression, manipulation. Violence. Silent suffering. Oh bullying and lying is really bad too btw!  Its a clear sign you have something wrong with you. You are sat here thinking thats so obvious! Well I assure you, some are in complete denial. They paint a very different picture publicly. People believe them too as don’t see their darkness. Cant believe they would do such awful things. You would be naive to not think at some point you have encountered, walked past, or lived near, lived with someone disturbed and dangerous .

Please read the following too   http://www.crimemuseum.org/blog/9-early-warning-signs-for-serial-killers-2/

I’m not perfect.  I work in the NHS. I see suffering, upset and poorly people every day. That reality check, makes one realise a lot about this life we live.

As Ray Lamontagne says “Trouble, trouble, trouble”

The endless drama that goes on behind closed doors with people is astounding. I’ve sat down pondering after recent events, astounded. One could fictionalise goings on and call it “50 shade of fucking up”. There are some wrong ‘uns about. I should not anger. But frankly it does make me angry and I feel the need to bitch slap individual into next week. Take away their rice pudding and make them sit on the naughty step and think about what they have done. What they have done to themselves and others! They have preyed on the kind, innocent souls and drag them downwards into their own hell. Selfish and unfair behaviours. Jeremy Kyle, Oprah, Trisha and Judge Judy would get very angry and shout! Some people think they have done something wrong to deserve the shit they are having thrown at them. That they are being punished.  Instead of spending mass energy analyzing and continuing in the control drama. Get help, get out, get sorted and settled. Burying head in sand, making excuses, giving up is easy. The hard part is standing up and escaping a bad situation. Easier said than done you say? Is it? Is it really?  Then think about why, why it happens over again and keeps happening? The same shit keeps happening with different people, or the same person because nothing has changed.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes they kill you or themselves first. Blaming you in the process. Bear that in mind. Taking aside mental illness.  You are responsible for your choices. If you choose to remain in an abusive relationship. It’s your choice. If you choose to commit suicide, it’s your choice. Maybe some cannot ever be helped. As they chose never to try to help themselves. Maybe somes internal wiring is so very wrong. Nothing can be done. Incarceration for life.  Did the warning signs present early and no action taken? Don’t attempt to blame others. The horrors of life can do serious damage. But some of you good people can deal with it. There are ways, there’s reprogramming of the mind, thoughts and outlook. There is so much help, a Doctors referral is just one step, medication is another. But there is so much more out there. The mountain is high. Its a struggle, giving up is easy. Imagine the satisfaction, the fresh air and the beauty, the sense of achievement you will get when you reach the top. You look down to see beautiful lagoons and valleys, a chip shop, a home fondue kit, a wine cellar, an orchard or the tastiest juiciest fruit. You look down to see your soul mate and smile.  

I am fortunate. I live a fairly normal life. I enjoy my domestic bliss. After so many years unresolved, uncommitted, messed up with a joint in one hand and a drink in the other. Wondering what it was all about. Wondering if my Demons would finish me off. They didn’t. My Angels saved me. Those Angels know who they are.

I don’t paint a picture of me, or my life that is not true and real. I do not pretend to be anyone else than who I am. I don’t hit my wife, manipulate her. I do tell her to shut up. As she tells me to shut up.  I do moan and have a strop about her messy tendencies. But on the grand scale. This is minor and PMT is a curse.  We also laugh and piss about. Love deeply each other. Do all the ‘couply’ things. I know its not trendy in some circles but I don’t do dogging, car keys in the fish bowl, Back Gammon, watch soaps, play candy crush, shop at Farmfoods, think a meal at Mcdonalds is a gourmet treat with the kids. We don’t have kids! Oh yeah, we don’t have kids. It’s a lovely honour that many of our friends suggest we adopt. Our answer. “NO!”

We don’t want them, are aware of the many useless monsters that have bred for benefits, spreading std’s in the process or just through not using a rubber Johnny!  But those poor children you shout! They cant help it! BOOO!!

I don’t remember  becoming the United Nations, Social Services, Gouvernement, Church, all Charities, seeking the Nobel Prize or M.B.E. last time I checked. I do my bit. I do not set unachievable goals. I have hopes, dreams. I wish this world and its people would sort their shit out. From one small acorn grows a big Oak Tree. Then its branches reach out. If we help one person get happy. That person may then help others. You see?

We bought a new set of cutlery and a pasta maker yesterday. Ange made homemade pasta. Domestic bliss. Building our life and home together. I farted, We giggled. Well she coughed, I wet my pants. The little things.

NOT 'Sleeping with the enemy

NOT ‘Sleeping with the enemy