This morning. After being woken from my slumber, by having my knee farted on by Ange. Rambo our cat squatting to pee on our duvet ( in all the top kitty excitement after chasing our other cat Pattie around the house. He has normally taken to pissing on the bath mat, I can cope with this) Being watched and joined by both cats while sat on the toilet. Then having to collect our beer cans scattered about the street after a windy burst and wheelie bin misdemeanour episode!! (Dont want to look like lushes!! We’ve been enjoying 3% Bitter Shandies this weekend, Rock and Roll, I know!!)
Then commenced the joyful travelling. On public transport. The loudest voice on the planet was seated next to us. Life story, every single second recounted. We both decided headphones and loud music emergency!! I seriously am not a hearing loud talky person morning tolerator. In fact I dont want to talk to anyone first thing. Except my wifey of course.
Then upon getting the connecting bus to work. Having changed my usual route in Nottingham City Centre, disrupted by roadworks. (TRAFFIC CHAOS) YIPPEE!!!!! I’ve actually just sent an email to complain as my button has truly been pushed today. The 34 unilink bus driver seems to think that Jamming and Ramming as many human beings on a bus as possible, like sardines is acceptable. The fact that I couldn’t even reach a bell to ring, to get off. Had to forcefully squeeze myself past 7 people. Bearing in mind I WAS AT THE BLOODY FRONT!! Taking the Michael. I tell Thee! If I’d had a paper bag, I’d have allowed myself a panic attack. Instead I stood on someones foot while exiting, stuck my tits in someone elses face, and made a load of them get off so I could. A stop early , just for fresh air! Swearing under my breath. I’m sure some crap joke exists about how many students it takes to change a lightbulb on a bus to make £1 profit for NCT. Any accident, we’d be looking at mush, gore and lots of broken limbs, noses and toes. Good Job its on the A & E route. Ridiculous. I’m awaiting reply.
Then I had the joy of listening to ‘Red Wine’ by UB40. On of my most hated songs. Even if you got me rat arsed and drugged me up with happiness. I’d still hate it. AAAARGH
After a normal, pleasant working day.
My humous, carrots and sugarsnap peas began to ferment. Just ready for hometime.
Stupidly I didn’t get on the 1st bus. Hoping to get the city loop. My phone battery had died (Bummer) so no music and having to listen to people noise again.
Then 2 busses passed us! Not stopping, rammed. Shame they dont apply that principle going from City Centre in the mornings. Thank you, spectacular, I thought. Then rammed bus came eventually. I stood examining a students ginger beard infront of me, Thinking, oooooh.uuuurgh.
Then gridlock. (I found out later accident) The whole of City Centre at a standstill! Times like this I wish horse and carts were still the main method of transport. Apart from having to shovel up turds off the road. The pace without hustle and bustle would be a chilled as the feeling one feels as a drunk musician on stage with an unresponsive audience. Easy.
I’ve just farted on Anges hand, next to me on the sofa. She’s just commented on the reverberation through her bones.. karma is a bitch. Teach her to fart on my knees while spooning in bed.ha ha ha.
So then I get off as soon as humanly possible and walk into Town. I eventually got home, to our sanctuary , full of wind. Scared Ange to death, who was asleep on the sofa.
Now we’ve apparently got The Mary Berry Story to watch on TV! Our normality comes later. Making Jam and biscuits naked with just aprons. Watering the plants with cold tea from the pot. domestic joy. Doing the river dance in the living room. Lighting a fire in the garden and throwing magickal herbs on it. Playing hunt the veggie sausage. Playing murder in the dark/hide and seek in the loft without clattering the ladder. Planning our Mount Everest Trek, Saving the world. Creating voodoo dollies for the car boot stall. Chewing corn for gummy parrots, not tripping over the rug, not screaming when spiders attack, Inventing for the dragons den, growing our leg hair for winter…not….Laughing at people who think its about them!!
Or usually sitting in our home sauna with a plum in my mouth!
Guitar and meditation, tuning into my Reiki Master later. We will sleep like logs tonight. Oh well, back to the rat race tomorrow.
So today. After months of preparing. I finally displayed some new artworks for sale in ‘Walk Into Yesterday’. See info HERE
A liberating, satisfying experience. With the help of Ange, Chris and thanks to Tony and Graeme. The ‘cream’ Assam tea with homemade scones was lush to say the least. I do love a good cafe bar and good pot of tea on a cold winters day. Blue skies and bright sunshine after the snow. Huge flakes fell last night. I got quite excited. I love snow. Always have, like a child.
We’ve both (Ange, wifey and I) got into having a nice bitter shandy of an odd evening. Saves on hangovers, £££ and totally reminds me of my childhood like I’ve said before having one at a pub in Derbyshire. Why am I so drawn to this memory as of late?
I feel my sense of ‘Claud’ and self worth returning this last week. After being completely destroyed as of late by some bitter, nasty individuals. Why let them affect ones life you make ask? Sometimes the strongest of people become deeply affected. You put up barriers, walls, protection, try to ignore and not rise. Being surrounded day in, day out..gets ya. Only when you truly step away and debrief, do you realise what a toxic situation you were ‘tolerating and suffering’ . I had a Job Interview last week. Always a welcome surprise.
I’ve not quite been myself since my last operation on my cheek to remove infected metal plates last year. I truly thought that the end of nearly 2 years of infection was insight. It was over?…. It wasn’t. There is still metal, that they left, which one may presume is infected in my skull. I’m at a loss. Very bothered, upset, pissed off, end of tether as no-one seems to be getting to the root cause and sorting it. Making me feel like I’m making it up, it’s not important. I’m certainly not. Having horrible leakage through the roof of your mouth is vile. No amount of brushing, flossing, mouthwash is really helping. As the source is within and migrating through. I physically cant get to it. Anti biotics (The 20 year ticking time bomb) almost cure it. Infection got in through half protruding upper wisdom teeth. 2 surgeries later and No Cigar! Bummed is not the word! Getting angry and upset privately isn’t helping. Moments of hope, positivity are. But its hard as there is no respite or escape from the constant discomfort and nasty taste 24/7. Only asleep am I unaware. But wake to it all again. As a Reiki practitioner, should I be able to heal myself? I never discount the need for medical assistance alongside Holistic.
I’m going to regress on how this all came about.
I was born with some deformity to my face, an underbite, big chin. Explained many years ago; It was genetic, someone, somewhere in my heritage was another with this. Going through school being verbally bullied (never physically, being nearly 6 feet tall) called a monster. Yes a monster amongst other ‘horrible things’ did serious damage mentally and emotionally. I wore a fixed brace till after the double Osteotomy at 19 years old. They successfully rearranged my face, gave me a face full of metal and normal (well normal as I’ll ever get in this life) bite. I’m forever indebted to my Surgeon (Mr Bromwich I think his name was) and the Team who effectively saved me from certain misery leading to suicide. Some people like to stand out from the crowd. I never have. Even on stage I’m in my own world with the band and music, shy from connecting with the audiences. My hands and instruments connect.
Waking from the dark as I came round in recovery after an 8 hour operation. Was rebirth for me. So I thought. So I intended…
I spent the next 8 years having a relationship with Bourbon, Vodka, Beer, Wine, Grass, Ciggies. (I was never addicted to the booze. I just enjoyed the way it made me feel, the escape. The Marijuana turned me into a paranoid idiot eventually. Getting stoned was the great escape. It turned into the great panic. The cigarettes have taken years to quit, I still enjoy the odd ‘naughty’ ones while making music) Oh and thoroughly enjoying my self induced hibernation in my music mentor Grimm’s home recording studio. Most of my ‘Bog Woppit’ work was written and recorded in there. I didn’t ‘do’ relationships. I was too scared, too closed down. Out of self destruction came songs, lots of songs. Exploration of my mind, my dreams, the darkness. Exorcism of the demons. Well actually I was hanging out with them, not actually ridding myself. This actual cleansing process began in my mid 30’s when I experienced the channelling of Universal Life Force Energy using The Reiki techniques… and will continue into my 40’s.
So,I never loved myself. I became reclusive, put up barriers, shied away from any form of relationship with the opposite sex. (trying to kid myself I was Bisexual when truly all I fancied were women.The sensuality. The loss of my virginity had just been a formality, bit of drunken fun. Encounters with me after that ‘Trying to be normal’ ended. I couldn’t commit. I did date a biker for a while, loved the open road. Then my issues and commitment fear got the better of me. He was lovely. I luckily had some good friends and have had over the years. To this day I am blessed. They have listened, supported, advised, been there, accepted and loved me for who I am.
Grimm overdosed without warning, when I was 27. It broke me. I was lost. Empty. My Confider of all my dark secrets and mental exorcisms was gone. Only in body. What do you do when your destructive and creative path hits a crossroads?
I spent a few years in Limbo. Then I fell in love, head over heels. With a woman. She floated my boat. Gave me everything I thought I needed. We moved in, She then moved out. Broke my heart. I began writing again. Inspired by heartbreak. I then spent the next few years having encounters with some interesting types. ‘Heterosexual’ women.
I then gave up on love. Still a mess. Moving from one home to another. Throwing myself into a shit day job with shit pay and shit hours.
But the music kept me going.. The Idolins were getting on it.
Personally I was a mess. I though it was all good fun at times. Yes it was. I had some great laughs and experiences over those years. But always attracted the ‘wrong uns’
All I ever wanted was to be loved for me. I knew then my self destruction and wanting to die in a rock and roll way would go. But I feared death, so very much. I fear suffering. Diagnosis for all the wrongs I have done to my body. Worry, Worry, Worry.
Then I met Ange. She is my Wife and my rock, my love, Ange saved me. The moment I met her. I felt I’d known her forever. So comfortable. We are a normal couple, have tiffs, go shopping, have tiffs over grocery shopping. I wander off as get all excited exploring the aisles, she buggers off in another direction, I cant find her with arms full. I blame her, she blames me. I’m a numpty. A hushed spat under your breath in the queue at the checkout. We also laugh loads, love and do the things like you ;-0. We communicate, we plan, we play with our cats. We garden. Between making music, meditation, Reiki, Art, Crystal Healing, Tarot, Working 2 full time day jobs. Paying the bills, getting healthier, We have our time, movies, meals, socialising, walks in the wild. Beaches.. I dearly love the sea
I’ve been having strange dreams all week, but at least I have slept for the first time properly in Months. I dreamt the other night. I was on a surgery, but mortuary slab. With a ‘surgeon’ Sharpening a big blade at the end near my feet. Then I left that room. I then found that Ange had died. But I could talk to her on my mobile phone. I did. She said she was still hear for me.
I awoke terribly upset. Told her about it. Cried, got in a right state. Ange trying to comfort me kept saying “Look touch me, I’m here, real” These sorts of dreams affect me for the rest of the day. On the plus side. Ange dreamt we won £128,000 on the lottery, quit our day jobs, set up Earth Tree Healing, just outside of Cardiff and bought the house in Wales. Thats the actual plan. We got quite excited about it manifesting in her dream. Then bought a lottery ticket!
I really dont know what I’d do without her. I love her so much. Putting my own fuck ups aside. You never know when you may lose someone. Appreciate every day.
So on the grand scale. Today I crossed a bridge. My art is out there in cyberspace and a real building on real walls for the public to peruse over tea, coffee, cakes, chats with family and friends.
My mouth and cheek pain became irrelevant today. The leaking wasn’t so bad. But it will build and get worse. 2013 I hope its cured. I really do. The damage is not good. On every level. Would I trade in this past and not be creative? Nope. What lies within, beneath creates a person. I was given gifts. Things that happen, my choices… Were not a curse, something I regret. They make me who I am. Made me the better more compassionate person. I cant help what body and face I was born with. Others punished me for that. I’m glad I’m different. Every day I have the pleasure of being able to create. How cool is that?
I started a new painting tonight. It’s for our home and our personal collection. I’ve more works to create over the next few months for display and sale publicly But I feel the urge to do this one for us.
It has Angels and Butterflies in it. Freedom of flight, higher planes, music, love.
Both our pussy cats are very quiet tonight. pottering about or sleeping the sleep only cats do.
I’m off to bed to dream. A good dream. The rain patters on the windows. But the world seems very quiet. Maybe too quiet.
Lets see what the dawn brings.
At times in life, one comes to decisions. I’ve come to a decision and conclusion. Tolerance of negativity is over. Being around ‘People’ who try to drag you into their own misery; If you don’t join ‘em you become the enemy. Have no place in my life. Yes I do have a choice. Yes I am empowered. Yes I am NOT in the wrong, Yes I am a good person. I’m not adverse to change. I believe I have the support I need to achieve this. If for some reason that support fails me. The ‘me’ of old will pursue justice to the ends of the earth. Life is too short. If I tolerate this, then which poor soul gets it next? A couple of bad apples can rot the whole fruit bowl.
I made a conscious choice for 2013. Success. 2012 was year of tests, changes, moving house, quitting bad habits, pursuing solutions. A rollercoaster. An assortment of amazing experiences. Playing live with The Idolins at Greenwich Park at the 2012 Olympics. To name one.
Learning to laugh again after recent troubles is hard. Re gaining self worth, confidence is a mountain. But “After climbing the slippery slope and never reaching as boulders constantly attack. One turns a corner, crosses the road and finds.. Humans. The grass sometimes is greener on the other side ;-)”
I took a walk today, to clear my head. The sun was shining. Too wrapped up in my thoughts to notice the beauty of nature. Things were coming to the surface. Its great when you bump into someone you haven’t seen for years, have a chat. Things suddenly get put into perspective. Blessings are truly counted…Again.
I spent yesterday creating some new art works. After a self Reiki heal and meditation. (Bliss) I’m currently working on my emotions. They’ve been a mess. Recent stresses have taken their toll. Things snowball quickly with me.
I’m practicing patience with life’s big adventure. I falter, I pick myself up, I learn. Slowly I’m improving. At times I’ve felt weak. The old me would verbally rip to shreds any threats. Or just for my own amusement. How one changes when one grows and learns. Regrets? Nope. You become what you are because of what you were.
The more I open up the possibilities, see the true reality we live in. The more insight I gain. The more I simply CAN’T be around “wrong uns”
I’m often told I have an air of authority about me. I don’t want to be in charge. I don’t suffer fools gladly; I also each day shield myself for the barrage of psychic vampires, control dramas that ATTACK. All my life I’ve stood out from the crowd. (I’m nearly 6 feet tall) My in-laws say I am ‘Miranda” and love watching the slapstick on tv. I’m not quite. My humour is really dry. I’m really shy unless I get to know people. I have a crippling phone phobia. Stemming from shyness, my mum eavesdropping on my as a child, (Privacy issues) and a phone call about a close friend committing suicide. ( I dread phone calls now, wondering what other bad news I will be told. “Therapy”..yes I know ;-)) Plus I was born with a face that didn’t work properly. My speech, confidence, appearance, talking was affected. A major operation at 19 corrected that. I’m still at the age of 37 working on my shyness.
I find blogging therapy. The same as song writing, creating, meditating. The only person who will conquer my demons is me. With a little help by me NOT being in negative environments. Exposed like a lamb to the slaughter.
I’m lucky to have a circle of wise ones who help me, love me, protect me and advise me. The Law of attraction ensures I encounter inspiration and help, now my chasm of learning quests has widened.
My wife, the love of my life is my Rock. We’ve been adventuring together for 4 years now. It’s all only just the beginning. Every day I look at our home … life and am grateful for everything. We are both actively working on our health, growing more veg this year. We seek solutions to a few issues. I know the answer is close. The cure. Oh I’m not talking riddles, After 3 operations. Metal plate removal in face. I’m suffering a leaky cheek. Something nasty is leaking through the roof of my mouth. My Dentist, Max Fax Clinic, X rays, surgery have drawn blanks. Something is having a party. Sinus and polyp investigations to pursue now. I think my plumbing has a blockage. The answer and cure lies there. Nasal douching is fun. A terribly painful bout of sinusitis, frustration, horrible taste, constant leakage, soreness= not fun. Patience is the test. I’m hopeful after being distraught, pissed off and at a loss, after my last operation that failed to cure it. 2013. Getting it sorted.
It’s truly made me appreciate things a lot more.
When I truly step back though, squint at the sunshine. Absorb the heat. Worship the azure blue skies. Breathe the fresh air. Life is good. It has its niggles, set backs, but its good.
The horizon is in the distance, but its kind of beautiful here. You just have to open your eyes. Pursue your dreams.