Shining A Light Upon My Mountain

So as that time of my life becomes the becoming.  I have been inspired and advised to show off my light more. So here goes http://claudinewestmusic.com/ This is the contents of the nutshell of what I am and what I do. There is my ‘career’ by my day job. I look at my artistic and creative catalogue of work. This defines me. The day job pays the bills and makes me look  ‘responsible’ in the eyes of society.  The music I am part of lights up my soul. The art I create, brings colour to the many shades of magnolia that I often find in the world. Of course this world is very beautiful. I actively seek out and experience the moments others don’t notice. Day to day predictability becomes very monotonous to one with such a creative mind. A curse and blessing. What is normal to you, is yawnsome and trivial to me. Does that make me a freak. It certainly makes me misunderstood. But i take comfort in knowing who I am and my purpose. Its never going to be an easy ride. If it was I really wouldn’t fully appreciate things. Or develop. I get excited at a frequency, a vibration, a vision, a new work that has been created with instruments. I let go when performing on them. For this I am truly grateful. 2015 is a year when Claudine West advances further in her evolution. I celebrate my experiences so far. I’m also very glad I can pat myself on the back for working hard at what I do. I continue to see the ones who think making as little effort as possible will aid them ultimately. The urge to shake you violently and give you a back handed slap around the face is saved for my imagination. Violence is an out of control damaged person’s reaction. ‘The world owes them something!’ Toys are chucked in a rage out of prams if spoilt adult brats don’t get the attention that they crave. The poor me and puppy eye syndromes wore thin before they even began. Even before the twinkle in the eye of time turned over to face the dawn. That kind of shit continues to grate gammon. If upon the point of your death. When those who have known you, remember you. Is it by you having a kind heart? Is that not an amazing achievement? What will you leave behind in this life? A positive imprint in the universe. I hope so.

Works 2014 Claudine West #claudsville

2014 has been a rather productive year. Eventful, traumatic, stressful circumstances,  inspirational gatherings. Synchronicity. Doors have closed, portals have opened.  Its shown me true colours of people, shallowness and selfishness. Wave surfers. Who will continue to achieve nothingness and take all the credit for it too. Enjoy that! Its allowed me to relax with my kind of people. Meet new kind and wonderful souls. My key word is #likeminded  It’s shown me that a lot of folk need encouragement and help. Its also shown me that I don’t require the bad ones in my life or proximity.  What’s been laid to rest is inactivity. I’ve always been driven to create and unleash what becomes. Making the most of time on this planet has been satisfying to say the least. Who know how much longer I have left. I hope its many years. There, through the course of things has had to be changes made. To better my well being in body, minds and spirit. Lots more of continued effort in 2015.

So here is a list and links of this year. It wasn’t easy. Yes I turned the TV off. Did not party hard and lay wrecked and dormant every weekend. I worked and produced a body of work I’m proud of. Its not stagnant, what some perceive to be ‘perfect.’ What it is a very alive embodiment of me, what I am and what I do. Having words channel through oneself is a thrilling and hypnotic experience. I’ve found a great joy in writing. 2015 will produce a new book of fiction under a pen name.  Thanks to friends for planting a great idea for it. It evolves each time I sit in our healing room. I’ve got 2 new meditation/ collaboration  releases in the pipeline.  So part time day job is on the list! ;-0

Enjoy, learn, listen.

Solo album: The Narcissist and the Inbetween.

I’ve a few personal favourites ‘Exceptional Believers’  ‘Exit of the Crush’ Writing and recording this has been rather fabulous therapy. #demons

Then there is of course my book. What can I say? Read it.

  Number 1 ebook bestseller : Claudsville Blogs and Biog of a Bog Woppit

Then I began adventures in meditation music recording a 3 track Guided Meditation CD with an amazing tutor and insightful soul, Sally Wathen at Rainbow Bridge  I can only highly recommend her if you need to sort your shit out!

Ange, my wife and I then ventured into our ‘ Meditation Chronicles ‘ Along with Ange running courses, me providing the soundtrack to them. You can listen to and  purchase on most digital stores including Spotify, Amazon and iTunes.

Listen: Meditation Chronicles

So with a few new paintings. I’m rather chuffed.

The Narcissist and the Inbetween

The Narcissist and the Inbetween

LISTEN ON BANDCAMP

 I began 2014 with an exceptional journey. As the dark nights dominate my side of the world, so ends this year. I present my new solo album. This record features  various instruments, including: bass, mandolin, banjo, guitars, piano, keyboards, tablas, my vocals and purring cats who have sat listening intently and ran away during the recording of it. Here are 7 featured tracks and lyrics.

Release date 23/11/2014

featured tracks

1. The Narcissist and the Between

2. Blood

3. Exceptional Believers

4. Eye Of Horus

5. aurora borealis

6. Bear Tooth From Winnipeg 

7. Rhinos

8. Exit of the Crush

9. Mindful Terraforming

10. I lost The Dark at Dawn

Life has launched, I’ve meditated, I’ve travelled on many levels, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed so much I’ve shaken my soul.

I took the cover photo while standing in a stormy sea at Rest Bay, Porthcawl, Wales, November 2014. Writing this album exorcised a few more bedded in Demons. Therapy for the lost.

This album is a document and journey of changing times, through the dark and light. Recovery, investment in to channelling vibrations. I wanted to capture warts and all recording and performance. A lot of the tracks were one takes of improvisation on my instruments. These Lyrics written during the recording process. The reason behind title ‘The Narcissist and the Inbetween’ can be found in my E-book ‘ Claudsville Blogs and Biog of a Bog Woppit ‘ Also released this year.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00M5IR94K

Listen here

The Narcissist and the Inbetween

https://soundcloud.com/claudsville/sets/bog-woppit-2014

LYRICS

 The Narcissist and the Between

Vegetarians eating meat

I am I am in-between a nomad and a queen

And the creatures in the hurricanes

Flavours of unsavoury notes

I am the one they called the scapegoat

I was the anchor in the flood

At Martha’s Vineyard

Beneath the stars

At Martha’s Vineyard

Massacres in cars

Hierarchy is ego anarchy

I am I am, I walk away you see

You tried to slaughter me

I tried to save creative

I educated natives

I’m torn in the fold

When there’s three I think the resolution

The killing spree

That I’m user friendly

Currently there’s no menopause clause

To shake the hand of the wave surfer laws

Spotlight shines on foolish stages

Cover versions create cages

You lost the day you retaliated

In Martha’s Vineyard.. blood lies in between

(Mortuary car)

I want to feel elated

I want to repel hatred

And lie amongst the waves

© Claudine West 2014

Blood

There was blood, blood everywhere

Down by the heat

Rushing floods and fever heads

Far away at sea

In the minds of higher thinkers

You’re becoming me

And the moon sauntered

Right I reach out too

And the roots are haunted

And I reach out too

Discover unknown presence

There lies release

With a shock this mantle steadies more

The answer spurs release

I cried that day and cried again

Strength the river creek

And I knew this point would come someday

But I stared in disbelief

And the moon sauntered

Right I reach out too

The roots are haunted

And I reach out too

There was love, love everywhere

Down underneath

Crushing hearts the weavers read

Right beside the tree

With the storm comes a rainbow

I am lost at sea

There was blood, blood everywhere

I am lost at sea

© Claudine West 2014

Exceptional Believers

They don their coats and crowns and Marys

Exceptional believers

Cutting off their throats and tears

Fictional deceivers

They walk the path of the lost and the lucid

Moving to the room

I thought my whole life over

Then I packed it in a box

And sent it underground

The call of the churches

And the rules

I walked further

Found better runes

There’s no intermittent wrestling with the weavers

Webs and death and spurn the divas

I reach up with fire in my hand

And peace overland

Mighty makers of money and spoons

Mind alteration, with pennies and looms

They wont rule my nation with promise and fools

A mind awakened.

Open doors

And breathe

As I approached the crossroads

I held the sunshine in my hands

And a pocket full of delusions

Contained the answers they didn’t want me to know

I took my chances with the ghosts

© Claudine West 2014

Eye of Horus

Mindful in some locked out state

Trapped within these walls in a metamorphosis debate

These winters waves crash and bury my feet

In denial of the suffering of storms at sea

Riptide swallows my hunger

Polarity takes me under

The wind cries hollow where did these feelings go?

8 inside below.

I resist the existence of a lifting and rescue

I lost sight of the surroundings and broke the curfew

When I cracked I turned away, departed into weeks of rage

Eye of Horus where did you hide?

I wandered through the portal Chinese garden waterfalls.

The low sun, fearsome sky

Dream in a romance with a tear in my mind.

The ladder made of spine rose to the cloud

The red sphere floated right before my 3^rd eye

Rosie gave be laughter, such laugher

The laughter in mine.

All mine.

© Claudine West 2014

 aurora borealis

Capo 2 B-A piano C#, B

Fortune on the road, feather kill

You are alone

Enlightened souls, weathered sin

You aren’t alone

Guitar

Em, A2, D2, A2

Piano F# B, F#, E, B

aurora borealis

sky in the north take me home

Moons of Galileo, heretic

Holy rolls, advocate

Provocation with belief

Beautiful underneath

aurora borealis

sky in the north take me home

Runes made of stone, heather thrills

overload, lavender

On my road, I’m not alone

Eastern sky rising

aurora borealis

sky in the north take me home

© Claudine West 2014

Bear Claw from Winnipeg

Am, G- B

So I had this conversation

After many divinations

Giraffe taught me hippy laugher

Some wise words from hereafter

Buzzing in my ears cleared fears that had reared again

I overtook this meltdown lane refrain

My suicide has long gone now

D, C,

Who,

I followed nature’s pasture

Looking for angina rapture

Banana cake and chocolate chips and ginger beer on an ancient trip

That spider that jumped from the trees

My bare flesh and a morbid scream

Showed me survival while on my knees

A message from the powers that be

To get on making symphonies

Normality freaks me every day

Is not me man and I’m going to say

Leads me to the path of tombs

And rips me from another womb

Two types of stoned lead to a junction

Pure water cleanses many functions

I walked this mountains darkened path

Then jumped into another mothers grasp.

Rhinos

Shine a light upon my mountain

But I’m still filling up on dread

World hovers on my shoulders

The past, the present the future then I’m dead

Release, release Rhinos

Unreachable devastation

The Meditation said

To look outside my inner anger

See what Buddha said

I’m making up preservation

I’m talking to the wise

The mechanics of coping

Are practiced many times

When I’m a lone with the demons

I set in motion lots of dealing

On my darkest days

My instruments of adjustment

Stop mental state delays

© Claudine West 2014

I Lost The Dark at Dawn (live)
Rooms on the road
Opportune I am the devil’s own
Shallow graves hide many bones
Jokers and countrymen
The power lines are overheard
The frantic noises of words lost
Heard as worlds combust

Never ending silence
I walk on coals of fire
These worms that dig up new eras
Ferryman pays the price now blind
Boot prints melted tarmac
Metal twists with rippled pools
I lost the dark at dawn

The wooden sculpture man makes many plays
Oversights and reverse delays
A document is stained over time
I hold onto the bricks and the pines
No chorus as I ride into night
No chorus as I ride into night
An effort that digs deeper into the light
These rooms on the road

~ Claudine

Meditation Chronicles Album and Maggie’s Centre

Listen here : iTunes Meditation Chronicles  Amazon Meditation Chronicles Spotify Meditation Chronicles
I’m really excited to be able to present this to you folks. Self produced. I recorded the music for these tracks with an array of instruments. Guitar, banjo, mandolin, my trusty keyboard. I love meditation music and listen to it a lot. I come from a rock and folk music background, composer and big catalogue of songwriting to boot. I’ve always dabbled with recording instrumentals. As I reach a more mature age, I challenged myself to see if I could compose music to ‘send me to other realms.’
These tracks were all recorded live in real time. You can see the Solstice live guitar take here solstice
I never want my works to be sterile and ‘perfect.’ Clicks, pops, happy accidents, improvisation. I am a vessel that channels music during the recording and performing process. Water and green tea purity helped me get into my zone. The music sending me ‘up and away with higher vibrations’ during the takes. Use of Tibetan bells and singing bowls with Indian drums raised vibrations. Standard 4/4 time signatures and usual chord changes in structure were dropped to create a flowing landscape. I bought myself an Esraj. This will be learnt for the next album. I do love the sound of stringed instruments. Harmonies and melodies combined. Ange later put vocal guided meditations to them while we road tested it running meditation courses. It’s rather liberating composing your ‘own’ to then perform live with. So download and enjoy. A % of sales goes to Maggie’s. This is the stuff of wellbeing.

Fifty Shades of FCUK UP

We often help friends in crisis. Thats part of what Earth Tree Healing is.  It’s what we do as humans and good folk do.   Our doors is open and sofa free. I am not Yoda, nor am I the wise woman yet that I will become one day. I’m still learning. Mistakes and successes are worn on sleeves, written in the scriptures.

It would be unfair to dictate how to live your life. I’m neither setting up a religion, spreading the word that oh yes.. They are real! That was true and the government really did it! I have a new found respect for Nigella Lawson having been ‘Naughty’ like so many, who only admit it, attempt to justify when caught.  Many who willingly take drugs to have a good time, escape will only ‘publically regret it’ When they are exposed by the media. We are all responsible for our own bodies. Some abuse them, some get ill, having lived healthy lives. Some people drink, smoke, have fry ups and live very long lives. Some live the most healthy lives and die young. Who knows when your biological clock will go into self destruct. Live, love today. Tomorrow is in the future.  Who am I to tell others they are behaving like utters arseholes and should jog on and seek professional therapy to sort their shit out. Please note. There are various therapies available to folk. The first or only one prescribed my help or may not. Its kind of like.. You need beans, you like beans but you need to try other brands before you find the best tastiest one for you. A lot think they are cured, stop medicating and getting therapy. Then that crash and decline is devastating. I think if you can step outside yourself for a moment. If you start to display harmful tendencies.   Munchausen by proxy, controlling, dictating, aggression, depression, manipulation. Violence. Silent suffering. Oh bullying and lying is really bad too btw!  Its a clear sign you have something wrong with you. You are sat here thinking thats so obvious! Well I assure you, some are in complete denial. They paint a very different picture publicly. People believe them too as don’t see their darkness. Cant believe they would do such awful things. You would be naive to not think at some point you have encountered, walked past, or lived near, lived with someone disturbed and dangerous .

Please read the following too   http://www.crimemuseum.org/blog/9-early-warning-signs-for-serial-killers-2/

I’m not perfect.  I work in the NHS. I see suffering, upset and poorly people every day. That reality check, makes one realise a lot about this life we live.

As Ray Lamontagne says “Trouble, trouble, trouble”

The endless drama that goes on behind closed doors with people is astounding. I’ve sat down pondering after recent events, astounded. One could fictionalise goings on and call it “50 shade of fucking up”. There are some wrong ‘uns about. I should not anger. But frankly it does make me angry and I feel the need to bitch slap individual into next week. Take away their rice pudding and make them sit on the naughty step and think about what they have done. What they have done to themselves and others! They have preyed on the kind, innocent souls and drag them downwards into their own hell. Selfish and unfair behaviours. Jeremy Kyle, Oprah, Trisha and Judge Judy would get very angry and shout! Some people think they have done something wrong to deserve the shit they are having thrown at them. That they are being punished.  Instead of spending mass energy analyzing and continuing in the control drama. Get help, get out, get sorted and settled. Burying head in sand, making excuses, giving up is easy. The hard part is standing up and escaping a bad situation. Easier said than done you say? Is it? Is it really?  Then think about why, why it happens over again and keeps happening? The same shit keeps happening with different people, or the same person because nothing has changed.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes they kill you or themselves first. Blaming you in the process. Bear that in mind. Taking aside mental illness.  You are responsible for your choices. If you choose to remain in an abusive relationship. It’s your choice. If you choose to commit suicide, it’s your choice. Maybe some cannot ever be helped. As they chose never to try to help themselves. Maybe somes internal wiring is so very wrong. Nothing can be done. Incarceration for life.  Did the warning signs present early and no action taken? Don’t attempt to blame others. The horrors of life can do serious damage. But some of you good people can deal with it. There are ways, there’s reprogramming of the mind, thoughts and outlook. There is so much help, a Doctors referral is just one step, medication is another. But there is so much more out there. The mountain is high. Its a struggle, giving up is easy. Imagine the satisfaction, the fresh air and the beauty, the sense of achievement you will get when you reach the top. You look down to see beautiful lagoons and valleys, a chip shop, a home fondue kit, a wine cellar, an orchard or the tastiest juiciest fruit. You look down to see your soul mate and smile.  

I am fortunate. I live a fairly normal life. I enjoy my domestic bliss. After so many years unresolved, uncommitted, messed up with a joint in one hand and a drink in the other. Wondering what it was all about. Wondering if my Demons would finish me off. They didn’t. My Angels saved me. Those Angels know who they are.

I don’t paint a picture of me, or my life that is not true and real. I do not pretend to be anyone else than who I am. I don’t hit my wife, manipulate her. I do tell her to shut up. As she tells me to shut up.  I do moan and have a strop about her messy tendencies. But on the grand scale. This is minor and PMT is a curse.  We also laugh and piss about. Love deeply each other. Do all the ‘couply’ things. I know its not trendy in some circles but I don’t do dogging, car keys in the fish bowl, Back Gammon, watch soaps, play candy crush, shop at Farmfoods, think a meal at Mcdonalds is a gourmet treat with the kids. We don’t have kids! Oh yeah, we don’t have kids. It’s a lovely honour that many of our friends suggest we adopt. Our answer. “NO!”

We don’t want them, are aware of the many useless monsters that have bred for benefits, spreading std’s in the process or just through not using a rubber Johnny!  But those poor children you shout! They cant help it! BOOO!!

I don’t remember  becoming the United Nations, Social Services, Gouvernement, Church, all Charities, seeking the Nobel Prize or M.B.E. last time I checked. I do my bit. I do not set unachievable goals. I have hopes, dreams. I wish this world and its people would sort their shit out. From one small acorn grows a big Oak Tree. Then its branches reach out. If we help one person get happy. That person may then help others. You see?

We bought a new set of cutlery and a pasta maker yesterday. Ange made homemade pasta. Domestic bliss. Building our life and home together. I farted, We giggled. Well she coughed, I wet my pants. The little things.

NOT ‘Sleeping with the enemy

The Undertow Of Creativity

So today. After months of preparing. I finally displayed some new artworks for sale in ‘Walk Into Yesterday’. See info HERE

A liberating, satisfying experience. With the help of Ange, Chris and thanks to Tony and Graeme. The ‘cream’ Assam tea with homemade scones was lush to say the least. I do love a good cafe bar and good pot of tea on a cold winters day. Blue skies and bright sunshine after the snow. Huge flakes fell last night. I got quite excited. I love snow. Always have, like a child.

We’ve both (Ange, wifey and I) got into having a nice bitter shandy of an odd evening. Saves on hangovers, £££ and totally reminds me of my childhood like I’ve said before having one at a pub in Derbyshire. Why am I so drawn to this memory as of late?

I feel my sense of ‘Claud’ and self worth returning this last week. After being completely destroyed as of late by some bitter, nasty individuals. Why let them affect ones life you make ask? Sometimes the strongest of people become deeply affected. You put up barriers, walls, protection, try to ignore and not rise. Being surrounded day in, day out..gets ya. Only when you truly step away and debrief, do you realise what a toxic situation you were ‘tolerating and suffering’ . I had a Job Interview last week. Always a welcome surprise.

I’ve not quite been myself since my last operation on my cheek to remove infected metal plates last year. I truly thought that the end of nearly 2 years of infection was insight. It was over?…. It wasn’t. There is still metal, that they left, which one may presume is infected in my skull. I’m at a loss. Very bothered, upset, pissed off, end of tether as no-one seems to be getting to the root cause and sorting it. Making me feel like I’m making it up, it’s not important. I’m certainly not. Having horrible leakage through the roof of your mouth is vile. No amount of brushing, flossing, mouthwash is really helping. As the source is within and migrating through. I physically cant get to it. Anti biotics (The 20 year ticking time bomb) almost cure it. Infection got in through half protruding upper wisdom teeth. 2 surgeries later and No Cigar! Bummed is not the word! Getting angry and upset privately isn’t helping. Moments of hope, positivity are. But its hard as there is no respite or escape from the constant discomfort and nasty taste 24/7. Only asleep am I unaware. But wake to it all again. As a Reiki practitioner, should I be able to heal myself? I never discount the need for medical assistance alongside Holistic.

I’m going to regress on how this all came about.

I was born with some deformity to my face, an underbite, big chin. Explained many years ago; It was genetic, someone, somewhere in my heritage was another with this. Going through school being verbally bullied (never physically, being nearly 6 feet tall) called a monster. Yes a monster amongst other ‘horrible things’ did serious damage mentally and emotionally. I wore a fixed brace till after the double Osteotomy at 19 years old. They successfully rearranged my face, gave me a face full of metal and normal (well normal as I’ll ever get in this life) bite. I’m forever indebted to my Surgeon (Mr Bromwich I think his name was) and the Team who effectively saved me from certain misery leading to suicide. Some people like to stand out from the crowd. I never have. Even on stage I’m in my own world with the band and music, shy from connecting with the audiences. My hands and instruments connect.

Waking from the dark as I came round in recovery after an 8 hour operation. Was rebirth for me. So I thought. So I intended…

I spent the next 8 years having a relationship with Bourbon, Vodka, Beer, Wine, Grass, Ciggies. (I was never addicted to the booze. I just enjoyed the way it made me feel, the escape. The Marijuana turned me into a paranoid idiot eventually. Getting stoned was the great escape. It turned into the great panic. The cigarettes have taken years to quit, I still enjoy the odd ‘naughty’ ones while making music) Oh and thoroughly enjoying my self induced hibernation in my music mentor Grimm’s home recording studio. Most of my ‘Bog Woppit’ work was written and recorded in there. I didn’t ‘do’ relationships. I was too scared, too closed down. Out of self destruction came songs, lots of songs. Exploration of my mind, my dreams, the darkness. Exorcism of the demons. Well actually I was hanging out with them, not actually ridding myself. This actual cleansing process began in my mid 30’s when I experienced the channelling of Universal Life Force Energy using The Reiki techniques… and will continue into my 40’s.

So,I never loved myself. I became reclusive, put up barriers, shied away from any form of relationship with the opposite sex. (trying to kid myself I was Bisexual when truly all I fancied were women.The sensuality. The loss of my virginity had just been a formality, bit of drunken fun. Encounters with me after that ‘Trying to be normal’ ended. I couldn’t commit. I did date a biker for a while, loved the open road. Then my issues and commitment fear got the better of me. He was lovely. I luckily had some good friends and have had over the years. To this day I am blessed. They have listened, supported, advised, been there, accepted and loved me for who I am.

Grimm overdosed without warning, when I was 27. It broke me. I was lost. Empty. My Confider of all my dark secrets and mental exorcisms was gone. Only in body. What do you do when your destructive and creative path hits a crossroads?

I spent a few years in Limbo. Then I fell in love, head over heels. With a woman. She floated my boat. Gave me everything I thought I needed. We moved in, She then moved out. Broke my heart. I began writing again. Inspired by heartbreak. I then spent the next few years having encounters with some interesting types. ‘Heterosexual’ women.

I then gave up on love. Still a mess. Moving from one home to another. Throwing myself into a shit day job with shit pay and shit hours.

But the music kept me going.. The Idolins were getting on it.

Personally I was a mess. I though it was all good fun at times. Yes it was. I had some great laughs and experiences over those years. But always attracted the ‘wrong uns’

All I ever wanted was to be loved for me. I knew then my self destruction and wanting to die in a rock and roll way would go. But I feared death, so very much. I fear suffering. Diagnosis for all the wrongs I have done to my body. Worry, Worry, Worry.

Then I met Ange. She is my Wife and my rock, my love, Ange saved me. The moment I met her. I felt I’d known her forever. So comfortable. We are a normal couple, have tiffs, go shopping, have tiffs over grocery shopping. I wander off as get all excited exploring the aisles, she buggers off in another direction, I cant find her with arms full. I blame her, she blames me. I’m a numpty. A hushed spat under your breath in the queue at the checkout. We also laugh loads, love and do the things like you ;-0. We communicate, we plan, we play with our cats. We garden. Between making music, meditation, Reiki, Art, Crystal Healing, Tarot, Working 2 full time day jobs. Paying the bills, getting healthier, We have our time, movies, meals, socialising, walks in the wild. Beaches.. I dearly love the sea

I’ve been having strange dreams all week, but at least I have slept for the first time properly in Months. I dreamt the other night. I was on a surgery, but mortuary slab. With a ‘surgeon’ Sharpening a big blade at the end near my feet. Then I left that room. I then found that Ange had died. But I could talk to her on my mobile phone. I did. She said she was still hear for me.

I awoke terribly upset. Told her about it. Cried, got in a right state. Ange trying to comfort me kept saying “Look touch me, I’m here, real” These sorts of dreams affect me for the rest of the day. On the plus side. Ange dreamt we won £128,000 on the lottery, quit our day jobs, set up Earth Tree Healing, just outside of Cardiff and bought the house in Wales. Thats the actual plan. We got quite excited about it manifesting in her dream. Then bought a lottery ticket!

I really dont know what I’d do without her. I love her so much. Putting my own fuck ups aside. You never know when you may lose someone. Appreciate every day.

So on the grand scale. Today I crossed a bridge. My art is out there in cyberspace and a real building on real walls for the public to peruse over tea, coffee, cakes, chats with family and friends.

My mouth and cheek pain became irrelevant today. The leaking wasn’t so bad. But it will build and get worse. 2013 I hope its cured. I really do. The damage is not good. On every level. Would I trade in this past and not be creative? Nope. What lies within, beneath creates a person. I was given gifts. Things that happen, my choices… Were not a curse, something I regret. They make me who I am. Made me the better more compassionate person. I cant help what body and face I was born with. Others punished me for that. I’m glad I’m different. Every day I have the pleasure of being able to create. How cool is that?

I started a new painting tonight. It’s for our home and our personal collection. I’ve more works to create over the next few months for display and sale publicly But I feel the urge to do this one for us.

It has Angels and Butterflies in it. Freedom of flight, higher planes, music, love.

Both our pussy cats are very quiet tonight. pottering about or sleeping the sleep only cats do.

I’m off to bed to dream. A good dream. The rain patters on the windows. But the world seems very quiet. Maybe too quiet.

Lets see what the dawn brings.