The Undertow Of Creativity

So today. After months of preparing. I finally displayed some new artworks for sale in ‘Walk Into Yesterday’. See info HERE

A liberating, satisfying experience. With the help of Ange, Chris and thanks to Tony and Graeme. The ‘cream’ Assam tea with homemade scones was lush to say the least. I do love a good cafe bar and good pot of tea on a cold winters day. Blue skies and bright sunshine after the snow. Huge flakes fell last night. I got quite excited. I love snow. Always have, like a child.

Walk Into Yesterday

We’ve both (Ange, wifey and I) got into having a nice bitter shandy of an odd evening. Saves on hangovers, £££ and totally reminds me of my childhood like I’ve said before having one at a pub in Derbyshire. Why am I so drawn to this memory as of late?

I feel my sense of ‘Claud’ and self worth returning this last week. After being completely destroyed as of late by some bitter, nasty individuals. Why let them affect ones life you make ask? Sometimes the strongest of people become deeply affected. You put up barriers, walls, protection, try to ignore and not rise. Being surrounded day in, day out..gets ya. Only when you truly step away and debrief, do you realise what a toxic situation you were ‘tolerating and suffering’ . I had a Job Interview last week. Always a welcome surprise.

I’ve not quite been myself since my last operation on my cheek to remove infected metal plates last year. I truly thought that the end of nearly 2 years of infection was insight. It was over?…. It wasn’t. There is still metal, that they left, which one may presume is infected in my skull. I’m at a loss. Very bothered, upset, pissed off, end of tether as no-one seems to be getting to the root cause and sorting it. Making me feel like I’m making it up, it’s not important. I’m certainly not. Having horrible leakage through the roof of your mouth is vile. No amount of brushing, flossing, mouthwash is really helping. As the source is within and migrating through. I physically cant get to it. Anti biotics (The 20 year ticking time bomb) almost cure it. Infection got in through half protruding upper wisdom teeth. 2 surgeries later and No Cigar! Bummed is not the word! Getting angry and upset privately isn’t helping. Moments of hope, positivity are. But its hard as there is no respite or escape from the constant discomfort and nasty taste 24/7. Only asleep am I unaware. But wake to it all again. As a Reiki practitioner, should I be able to heal myself? I never discount the need for medical assistance alongside Holistic.

I’m going to regress on how this all came about.

I was born with some deformity to my face, an underbite, big chin. Explained many years ago; It was genetic, someone, somewhere in my heritage was another with this. Going through school being verbally bullied (never physically, being nearly 6 feet tall) called a monster. Yes a monster amongst other ‘horrible things’ did serious damage mentally and emotionally. I wore a fixed brace till after the double Osteotomy at 19 years old. They successfully rearranged my face, gave me a face full of metal and normal (well normal as I’ll ever get in this life) bite. I’m forever indebted to my Surgeon (Mr Bromwich I think his name was) and the Team who effectively saved me from certain misery leading to suicide. Some people like to stand out from the crowd. I never have. Even on stage I’m in my own world with the band and music, shy from connecting with the audiences. My hands and instruments connect.

Waking from the dark as I came round in recovery after an 8 hour operation. Was rebirth for me. So I thought. So I intended…

I spent the next 8 years having a relationship with Bourbon, Vodka, Beer, Wine, Grass, Ciggies. (I was never addicted to the booze. I just enjoyed the way it made me feel, the escape. The Marijuana turned me into a paranoid idiot eventually. Getting stoned was the great escape. It turned into the great panic. The cigarettes have taken years to quit, I still enjoy the odd ‘naughty’ ones while making music) Oh and thoroughly enjoying my self induced hibernation in my music mentor Grimm’s home recording studio. Most of my ‘Bog Woppit’ work was written and recorded in there. I didn’t ‘do’ relationships. I was too scared, too closed down. Out of self destruction came songs, lots of songs. Exploration of my mind, my dreams, the darkness. Exorcism of the demons. Well actually I was hanging out with them, not actually ridding myself. This actual cleansing process began in my mid 30’s when I experienced the channelling of Universal Life Force Energy using The Reiki techniques… and will continue into my 40’s.

Claud and Grimm

So,I never loved myself. I became reclusive, put up barriers, shied away from any form of relationship with the opposite sex. (trying to kid myself I was Bisexual when truly all I fancied were women.The sensuality. The loss of my virginity had just been a formality, bit of drunken fun. Encounters with me after that ‘Trying to be normal’ ended. I couldn’t commit. I did date a biker for a while, loved the open road. Then my issues and commitment fear got the better of me. He was lovely. I luckily had some good friends and have had over the years. To this day I am blessed. They have listened, supported, advised, been there, accepted and loved me for who I am.

Grimm overdosed without warning, when I was 27. It broke me. I was lost. Empty. My Confider of all my dark secrets and mental exorcisms was gone. Only in body. What do you do when your destructive and creative path hits a crossroads?

I spent a few years in Limbo. Then I fell in love, head over heels. With a woman. She floated my boat. Gave me everything I thought I needed. We moved in, She then moved out. Broke my heart. I began writing again. Inspired by heartbreak. I then spent the next few years having encounters with some interesting types. ‘Heterosexual’ women.

I then gave up on love. Still a mess. Moving from one home to another. Throwing myself into a shit day job with shit pay and shit hours.

But the music kept me going.. The Idolins were getting on it.

Personally I was a mess. I though it was all good fun at times. Yes it was. I had some great laughs and experiences over those years. But always attracted the ‘wrong uns’

All I ever wanted was to be loved for me. I knew then my self destruction and wanting to die in a rock and roll way would go. But I feared death, so very much. I fear suffering. Diagnosis for all the wrongs I have done to my body. Worry, Worry, Worry.

Then I met Ange. She is my Wife and my rock, my love, Ange saved me. The moment I met her. I felt I’d known her forever. So comfortable. We are a normal couple, have tiffs, go shopping, have tiffs over grocery shopping. I wander off as get all excited exploring the aisles, she buggers off in another direction, I cant find her with arms full. I blame her, she blames me. I’m a numpty. A hushed spat under your breath in the queue at the checkout. We also laugh loads, love and do the things like you ;-0. We communicate, we plan, we play with our cats. We garden. Between making music, meditation, Reiki, Art, Crystal Healing, Tarot, Working 2 full time day jobs. Paying the bills, getting healthier, We have our time, movies, meals, socialising, walks in the wild. Beaches.. I dearly love the sea

me

I’ve been having strange dreams all week, but at least I have slept for the first time properly in Months. I dreamt the other night. I was on a surgery, but mortuary slab. With a ‘surgeon’ Sharpening a big blade at the end near my feet. Then I left that room. I then found that Ange had died. But I could talk to her on my mobile phone. I did. She said she was still hear for me.

I awoke terribly upset. Told her about it. Cried, got in a right state. Ange trying to comfort me kept saying “Look touch me, I’m here, real” These sorts of dreams affect me for the rest of the day. On the plus side. Ange dreamt we won £128,000 on the lottery, quit our day jobs, set up Earth Tree Healing, just outside of Cardiff and bought the house in Wales. Thats the actual plan. We got quite excited about it manifesting in her dream. Then bought a lottery ticket!

I really dont know what I’d do without her. I love her so much. Putting my own fuck ups aside. You never know when you may lose someone. Appreciate every day.

So on the grand scale. Today I crossed a bridge. My art is out there in cyberspace and a real building on real walls for the public to peruse over tea, coffee, cakes, chats with family and friends.

My mouth and cheek pain became irrelevant today. The leaking wasn’t so bad. But it will build and get worse. 2013 I hope its cured. I really do. The damage is not good. On every level. Would I trade in this past and not be creative? Nope. What lies within, beneath creates a person. I was given gifts. Things that happen, my choices… Were not a curse, something I regret. They make me who I am. Made me the better more compassionate person. I cant help what body and face I was born with. Others punished me for that. I’m glad I’m different. Every day I have the pleasure of being able to create. How cool is that?

I started a new painting tonight. It’s for our home and our personal collection. I’ve more works to create over the next few months for display and sale publicly But I feel the urge to do this one for us.

It has Angels and Butterflies in it. Freedom of flight, higher planes, music, love.

Both our pussy cats are very quiet tonight. pottering about or sleeping the sleep only cats do.

I’m off to bed to dream. A good dream. The rain patters on the windows. But the world seems very quiet. Maybe too quiet.

Lets see what the dawn brings.

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Mind Chatter, Good Friends, Perspective.

So I’m cracking on painting new artworks. Winter and January time is really good for locking myself away from the dark and cold, with my wife and the cats, creating.

Rambo and Pattie

It’s been the time of year too, when we go into studio and record tracks. Save the summertime for the great and beautiful outdoors.

I’m really out of sorts at the moment. A recent physical sensitive injury (clumsy moi) and the continued infection in my left cheek have been really getting me down….. really getting me down. There have been moments of madness when I’ve wanted everything to go away. With only one awful solution. The trouble is, when you are down, there is only so much more of a kicking you can take. Only so much shit you can handle, being chucked at you from the shit truck. Plus being in a difficult environment where bad behaviors are not being dealt with effectively as of yet by the PTB, is poor for my mental and spiritual health. Trouble with negative ringleaders has taken its toll on my self worth. (I HOPE this can be resolved without lies, exaggeration and truth twisting, oh and plain nastiness) Like I’ve been told and continue to find out. You’ve got to have a pretty shitty life to behave that way to others. Pitiful. 5 years ago, (when my ego controlled me fully) had I been in the situation I’m currently in. I’d have dealt with any trouble with intimidation, sharp tongue and caused major upset(getting myself into trouble in the process, making others lives miserable, as my life was a mess then). Times and I have evolved through working on myself. Its certainly not been easy.

Maybe it’s time to ‘day job’ hunt, a fresh start? The plan is just simply earn a career from my Art, Reiki with Earth Tree Healing and Music (The Idolins, Subway Circus) combined. Be my own boss (The dream, the possible, the effort continues and steps up 2013)

We spent the night with good friends this weekend. Lots of wine and chats. Especially about feeling out of sorts. The great thing about good friends? The laughter, support, advice, love. Things get put into perspective.

I suffer from constant mind chatter and the creative souls burden. Moodiness and ego talk. Inherited and programmed worrying. Meditation and practicing Reiki is clearing this. But in the process it’s releasing a lot of emotion. Release is great though. Just not particularly pleasant at times. ‘Blockages’; energy blocks in meridians. Having a good service! Chakras (Energy Centers, vortexes) are being energized and balanced. Self healing is beneficial. I do love having a Reiki treatment, crystal heal from my fellow Light Workers. IT’S ALL VERY EASY TO GET INVOLVED HEALING OTHERS AND NOT ONESELF. If you don’t take care of yourself properly, how can you truly help others? Just as you think you are spiraling to the top of the mountain, an avalanche stops you in your tracks, knocks one back. DECENT RATHER THAN ASCENT.

When you go about your day to day things. Having woken, the sun shines, you are confident, eyes are smiling. Your days just gets better, people react kindlt to you and your sparkle..V’s getting up, tripping over the cat, rushed, headache, dreading going to work. Having a row just to start your day of which tends to get gradually worse like your mood. How different do people treat you. What are you attracting? You can change that mindset. IT’S YOUR EGO TALKING, INFLUENCING.

Right now I want to lock myself away for months. Be as far away from people of the moaning, damaging and draining variety that I can. THIS WILL ALL PASS OFCOURSE. Solutions are there. Positive solutions and options. Learning’s and tests of my patience (well, lack of) continue .

I had a TAROT reading from my gifted wife. “Temperance” Really does sum things up.

Temperance

I read my stars, Gemini recently, I rarely read the paper, but felt drawn.

Gemini

I’ve been overcome as of late with physical manifestations of unrest, upset. Things have built up to the point where I want someone to save me, cure me, help me. The reality. My mind chat has got the better of me. I, and only I HAVE ALLOWED IT. I’ve listened, believed all the doom and gloom its been spouting at me. I’ve cried, wallowed, obsessed, released, felt lost, frustrated, empty, hurt, alienated, angry, vengeful, done the “WHY ME?”. Just as ‘the end of the world’ 2012, which is effectively the dawn of a new era. 2013 continues to bring tests. All for what? Lessons, clearing.

THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. Patience. Belief in healing. Talking about this honestly has helped. Bottling it all up did nothing but make things worse. I’ll be a stronger person. I’M ALREADY more compassionate. Lessons from the POWERS THAT BE. How can you be compassionate, truly, unless at some point you have suffered? Your own sufferings (Mental, physical, emotional) cannot be compared to anyone else. It’s only YOU that truly feels the affect of what your problems are. OTHERS ARE bystanders.

It’s up to ME to shout… ‘BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL, I HAVE THE POWER” to sort the mess that’s me out. Running off to get happy pills doesn’t treat my root cause. Meditating, laughing, being in the company of my good friends, does.

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