The Undertow Of Creativity

So today. After months of preparing. I finally displayed some new artworks for sale in ‘Walk Into Yesterday’. See info HERE

A liberating, satisfying experience. With the help of Ange, Chris and thanks to Tony and Graeme. The ‘cream’ Assam tea with homemade scones was lush to say the least. I do love a good cafe bar and good pot of tea on a cold winters day. Blue skies and bright sunshine after the snow. Huge flakes fell last night. I got quite excited. I love snow. Always have, like a child.

Walk Into Yesterday

We’ve both (Ange, wifey and I) got into having a nice bitter shandy of an odd evening. Saves on hangovers, £££ and totally reminds me of my childhood like I’ve said before having one at a pub in Derbyshire. Why am I so drawn to this memory as of late?

I feel my sense of ‘Claud’ and self worth returning this last week. After being completely destroyed as of late by some bitter, nasty individuals. Why let them affect ones life you make ask? Sometimes the strongest of people become deeply affected. You put up barriers, walls, protection, try to ignore and not rise. Being surrounded day in, day out..gets ya. Only when you truly step away and debrief, do you realise what a toxic situation you were ‘tolerating and suffering’ . I had a Job Interview last week. Always a welcome surprise.

I’ve not quite been myself since my last operation on my cheek to remove infected metal plates last year. I truly thought that the end of nearly 2 years of infection was insight. It was over?…. It wasn’t. There is still metal, that they left, which one may presume is infected in my skull. I’m at a loss. Very bothered, upset, pissed off, end of tether as no-one seems to be getting to the root cause and sorting it. Making me feel like I’m making it up, it’s not important. I’m certainly not. Having horrible leakage through the roof of your mouth is vile. No amount of brushing, flossing, mouthwash is really helping. As the source is within and migrating through. I physically cant get to it. Anti biotics (The 20 year ticking time bomb) almost cure it. Infection got in through half protruding upper wisdom teeth. 2 surgeries later and No Cigar! Bummed is not the word! Getting angry and upset privately isn’t helping. Moments of hope, positivity are. But its hard as there is no respite or escape from the constant discomfort and nasty taste 24/7. Only asleep am I unaware. But wake to it all again. As a Reiki practitioner, should I be able to heal myself? I never discount the need for medical assistance alongside Holistic.

I’m going to regress on how this all came about.

I was born with some deformity to my face, an underbite, big chin. Explained many years ago; It was genetic, someone, somewhere in my heritage was another with this. Going through school being verbally bullied (never physically, being nearly 6 feet tall) called a monster. Yes a monster amongst other ‘horrible things’ did serious damage mentally and emotionally. I wore a fixed brace till after the double Osteotomy at 19 years old. They successfully rearranged my face, gave me a face full of metal and normal (well normal as I’ll ever get in this life) bite. I’m forever indebted to my Surgeon (Mr Bromwich I think his name was) and the Team who effectively saved me from certain misery leading to suicide. Some people like to stand out from the crowd. I never have. Even on stage I’m in my own world with the band and music, shy from connecting with the audiences. My hands and instruments connect.

Waking from the dark as I came round in recovery after an 8 hour operation. Was rebirth for me. So I thought. So I intended…

I spent the next 8 years having a relationship with Bourbon, Vodka, Beer, Wine, Grass, Ciggies. (I was never addicted to the booze. I just enjoyed the way it made me feel, the escape. The Marijuana turned me into a paranoid idiot eventually. Getting stoned was the great escape. It turned into the great panic. The cigarettes have taken years to quit, I still enjoy the odd ‘naughty’ ones while making music) Oh and thoroughly enjoying my self induced hibernation in my music mentor Grimm’s home recording studio. Most of my ‘Bog Woppit’ work was written and recorded in there. I didn’t ‘do’ relationships. I was too scared, too closed down. Out of self destruction came songs, lots of songs. Exploration of my mind, my dreams, the darkness. Exorcism of the demons. Well actually I was hanging out with them, not actually ridding myself. This actual cleansing process began in my mid 30’s when I experienced the channelling of Universal Life Force Energy using The Reiki techniques… and will continue into my 40’s.

Claud and Grimm

So,I never loved myself. I became reclusive, put up barriers, shied away from any form of relationship with the opposite sex. (trying to kid myself I was Bisexual when truly all I fancied were women.The sensuality. The loss of my virginity had just been a formality, bit of drunken fun. Encounters with me after that ‘Trying to be normal’ ended. I couldn’t commit. I did date a biker for a while, loved the open road. Then my issues and commitment fear got the better of me. He was lovely. I luckily had some good friends and have had over the years. To this day I am blessed. They have listened, supported, advised, been there, accepted and loved me for who I am.

Grimm overdosed without warning, when I was 27. It broke me. I was lost. Empty. My Confider of all my dark secrets and mental exorcisms was gone. Only in body. What do you do when your destructive and creative path hits a crossroads?

I spent a few years in Limbo. Then I fell in love, head over heels. With a woman. She floated my boat. Gave me everything I thought I needed. We moved in, She then moved out. Broke my heart. I began writing again. Inspired by heartbreak. I then spent the next few years having encounters with some interesting types. ‘Heterosexual’ women.

I then gave up on love. Still a mess. Moving from one home to another. Throwing myself into a shit day job with shit pay and shit hours.

But the music kept me going.. The Idolins were getting on it.

Personally I was a mess. I though it was all good fun at times. Yes it was. I had some great laughs and experiences over those years. But always attracted the ‘wrong uns’

All I ever wanted was to be loved for me. I knew then my self destruction and wanting to die in a rock and roll way would go. But I feared death, so very much. I fear suffering. Diagnosis for all the wrongs I have done to my body. Worry, Worry, Worry.

Then I met Ange. She is my Wife and my rock, my love, Ange saved me. The moment I met her. I felt I’d known her forever. So comfortable. We are a normal couple, have tiffs, go shopping, have tiffs over grocery shopping. I wander off as get all excited exploring the aisles, she buggers off in another direction, I cant find her with arms full. I blame her, she blames me. I’m a numpty. A hushed spat under your breath in the queue at the checkout. We also laugh loads, love and do the things like you ;-0. We communicate, we plan, we play with our cats. We garden. Between making music, meditation, Reiki, Art, Crystal Healing, Tarot, Working 2 full time day jobs. Paying the bills, getting healthier, We have our time, movies, meals, socialising, walks in the wild. Beaches.. I dearly love the sea

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I’ve been having strange dreams all week, but at least I have slept for the first time properly in Months. I dreamt the other night. I was on a surgery, but mortuary slab. With a ‘surgeon’ Sharpening a big blade at the end near my feet. Then I left that room. I then found that Ange had died. But I could talk to her on my mobile phone. I did. She said she was still hear for me.

I awoke terribly upset. Told her about it. Cried, got in a right state. Ange trying to comfort me kept saying “Look touch me, I’m here, real” These sorts of dreams affect me for the rest of the day. On the plus side. Ange dreamt we won £128,000 on the lottery, quit our day jobs, set up Earth Tree Healing, just outside of Cardiff and bought the house in Wales. Thats the actual plan. We got quite excited about it manifesting in her dream. Then bought a lottery ticket!

I really dont know what I’d do without her. I love her so much. Putting my own fuck ups aside. You never know when you may lose someone. Appreciate every day.

So on the grand scale. Today I crossed a bridge. My art is out there in cyberspace and a real building on real walls for the public to peruse over tea, coffee, cakes, chats with family and friends.

My mouth and cheek pain became irrelevant today. The leaking wasn’t so bad. But it will build and get worse. 2013 I hope its cured. I really do. The damage is not good. On every level. Would I trade in this past and not be creative? Nope. What lies within, beneath creates a person. I was given gifts. Things that happen, my choices… Were not a curse, something I regret. They make me who I am. Made me the better more compassionate person. I cant help what body and face I was born with. Others punished me for that. I’m glad I’m different. Every day I have the pleasure of being able to create. How cool is that?

I started a new painting tonight. It’s for our home and our personal collection. I’ve more works to create over the next few months for display and sale publicly But I feel the urge to do this one for us.

It has Angels and Butterflies in it. Freedom of flight, higher planes, music, love.

Both our pussy cats are very quiet tonight. pottering about or sleeping the sleep only cats do.

I’m off to bed to dream. A good dream. The rain patters on the windows. But the world seems very quiet. Maybe too quiet.

Lets see what the dawn brings.

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Past Life Regression. Session.

INTRO

I ‘personally’ do believe that each life you live (Your soul, not necessarily ancestor wise) is a progression, a training ground to learn lessons.

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If someone lives an unhappy life, is maybe depressed, stressed, a major event occurs. Resulting in suicide. In the next life. Do similar issues haunt and dog that soul. Only released, when they have acknowledged, learnt?

Maybe some people can never be ‘cured’. Maybe souls can.

I ponder upon the amount of people who are institutionalized. Having admitted their gift of communicating/hearing others.. spirits, guides. Do you believe in Demons? Diagnosed as Schizophrenic? Maybe their Crown Chakra and 3rd eye are wide open? Not knowing how to control it.

How much do medical professionals shrug off holistic therapies? I hope one day they embrace fully for patients the benefits of Holistic Therapies. Along side the use of traditional medicine.

A balanced human is a happy, healthy being. Meridian lines unblocked, Chakras, vortexes of whirling dervishes. Open… accepting, wanting to be healed. They are aided in releasing stress, anger, and negativity. Achieving aids to make positive changes in their lives and ways of thinking to achieve equilibrium.

A person can heal as much as their greater good intends. Sometimes miracles happen. Terminal illness is cured against all odds. Hope, faith, wonderment.

Some people are not meant to heal. Some die, some say before their time. Maybe that is their path. As Reiki Practitioners; we don’t control the results of a session with a client, friend, loved one. We intend the energy goes where it needs to go and does what it needs. Sending unconditional love. If that person is so closed off or doesn’t not want to heal. Then we intend the healing go to whoever needs it.

I’m no expert; I learn new things every day. I can only express my opinions, thoughts and my experiences so far. Maybe in years to come I’ll express something different. This life’s a big adventure. I’m well on my path of discovery.

A big lesson is healing oneself.  Currently : I tend to get very carried away helping others. Only to neglect my own healing. Negligence of daily healing routine beings me here. (WHAT A NUMPTY!) My life has had had upset lately. I’m not coping too well. I’m certain it’s all happening for a reason. The 2012 Ascension from 3rd Dimension to 5th Dimension.

The dawn of a new age of more openness to spiritualism and peace. I’ve been watching Doomsday documentaries on YouTube, reading about RELIGIOUS hate groups such as The Westboro Baptist Church. Who blame everything bad in the world as the wrath of God. Being a lesbian myself, I don’t think I’ll be joining. Each to their own beliefs mind, whatever floats your boat… As long as it doesn’t harm others or incite violence. Negativity attracts negativity. The more I read up and practice the law of attraction. The more I understand and experience it.

I lay here in my sick bed typing this. (Again listening to Gregorian Monks chanting, finding peace) Feeling pretty sorry for myself, miffed at what’s currently being thrown at me, served up on the plate of doom. But I know by the end of writing, I’ll feel better. The rest is doing me good.

I’m currently struggling with my own previous neglect and physical manifestations. Guilty over enjoyment of my musician lifestyle indulgences in my 20’s. By body is totally out of sync after a 3rd operation on my face within 18 months. The last one to remove infected metal plates in my cheek. (I previously had a double osteotomy at the age of 19 to correct my face and bite)..That’s another story..photo

Now they are looking at polyps and sinuses as the issue. Being a ex smoker I could slap myself. Frustration. At the why me? But if I haven’t suffered, how can I feel empathy for others I help? Working towards a healthier 2013. Discovery as to why you are the way you are is an empowering thing. I’m lucky. I have Reiki Masters, friends, family, loved ones and very wise ones supporting. I had to crawl out of my dark cave a few years ago to ask for help and open up. Progression. Life would be boring if it were easy.

PAST LIFE REGRESSION

I had a past life regression session with Lyn Griffin. This is how it went these are the visions I saw. To try to explain. I’m aware of my own body in this life. During the regression. I saw visions, glimpses, objects, words, thoughts came. At times it’s like like watching a movie, being the camera. I was anxious it wouldn’t work, as was so very intrigued.  I’d had a taster session from her and found myself in other life in America in the west. Cowboy. A vision standing in a barn looking out onto a cornfield in the breeze and sunshine, feeling peace is as clear to me now as was during that regression. (I’ve always been drawn to the USA. When I went to Texas in this life and explored with some relatives I felt truly at home. Was rather gutted and considered eloping on a long road trip back on my return to England). I have a lot of male past lives. I’m very not girly, girly, nor do I want to be in this one. I do embrace my womanhood. But its got to be a very special occasion to get me in a dress ;-s

First Lyn took me ‘back’ from my safe place, a garden. Down a path. To the left trees. The right a long stone wall with various doors.  I walked this path until felt drawn, to a door; to a time in one of my past lives. This is my experience. This is what I’ve transcribed from the recording.

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I initially felt a ‘blockage’ just saw darkness, a tunnel and purple colours. I moved deeper down. Then I saw holly, ‘spikey’ plants. However we then entered a ‘back entrance’. I then became aware I was in a graveyard.  It was evening and misty. I didn’t feel threatened I then approached a stone church. A big brown door. Looking on the red wall surrounding the door, the year 1735 flashes at me. I enter….

To the right were the pews. I was drawn to a black door, which was on my left; I enter a kitchen, a big wooden table to my left. I see knives; a round saw hanging off the walls. The realisation eventually occurs that it’s not a kitchen, but a mortuary.  Looking around the room, I then walk over to a big black cupboard. I open it to find jars full of ‘things’ red things to what I can only describe as organs. (At this point I felt dread. I really hoped I wasn’t a serial killer in a past life) But surprisingly I didn’t feel disgusted, it all felt very normal.

Lyn asked me to look down at my feet. I saw light brown (Deer?) ‘felt’ boots. Tied round the top of my ankles. What else was I wearing? A white shirt.

I kept getting flashes of leather brown leather belts but I couldn’t work out why. I welled up with emotion and wanted to cry with the realization; that I prepared the dead for burial, with respect and care.

How old? I was 31 years of age. I was a mortician. (This would explain my obsession in this life with the curiosity of the dead and did at one point consider training to be a mortician or in Pathology)

Lyn asked how long had I been working there? 5 years

Do you work with anyone else? Yes an assistant, a young lad. He wears a green top. He is my helper, 17 years old.

Do you have family? Yes I have a sister. She is 29. I see her in a long off white dress.

Lyn then moves me to a ‘significant event’

I see blood on the floor in the Church, in the room I work. There is a body on the table. (I begin to get agitated, bear in mind I have my safe place, the garden if things get too traumatic)

The torso is cut wide open. I didn’t do it!! ??

I see green. It’s the young apprentice. He wasn’t meant to do that. They weren’t supposed to be dead on the table. He brought them there. A woman. My sister. Her eyes are open. I can see her dead eyes.  All I can concentrate on is her open dead eyes. Why did he do it I ask?

He was in a relationship with her.

Anger, Rage… he killed her and layed her out for me to see. Her organs have been removed.

I keep getting the word ‘leather’ and see brown leather belts.

We explore the significance of the leather.

I see a horse, saddle, Stirrups.

Then I’m in a ploughed field with a water/drinking trough. I’m drawn to a hedge. I look. There is a rag, a dirty rag. With something in it. I look.

It’s a baby. A dead baby. It’s his (my apprentice) baby. He didn’t want it. My sister is the mother of the baby. He cut the baby out of her and killed it. Killed her in the process.

I feel ..Why? Why do it.

What happens next?

I see my hands closing around his neck. I kill him. Justice.

I bury him in an unmarked grave in the graveyard.

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People ask questions. But I never get found out.

We move to me when I’m older.

I’m sitting a rocking chair smoking a pipe made out of clay, bone?

My hair is white. I’m happy, content.  My wife has made stew in a cauldron pot. I see kind blue eyes.

Lyn then asks me to jump to a happy time with my sister.

I’m running in a field of flowers, happy, laughing with my sister.

I look into her blue eyes, into her soul.

I’m asked if I’m reminded of anyone is this life.

Its Ange. (my wife is this life) I remember this 1st time I met her. We sat across a table in a pub. Her Aura shined. I felt incredibly comfortable. The beautiful blue kind eyes. Recognition. We are Soul mates. My sister in a previous life.

We go back to when I’m old. How I feel about my life.

I’m not full of guilt by what I did to the apprentice. I needed to happen. I still see my sisters empty dead eyes on that table. They haunt me.

We talk about my sister an our relationship. I see cobbles, She is very positive, jolly. Thin. Wearing a bonnet. We grew up together, very close.

Our parents died when we were teenagers.

I keep getting flashes of the colour yellow. I see yellow in the river, a stream. Sulphur.

My parents were poisoned by the drinking water. They didn’t know it was poisoned.

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I was left to look after my sister. I got a job, as an apprentice. In the church. An old man taught me, I’d met him through attending church and got talking. He had kind eyes. .. Ange’s father.

I then see my parents. They were Tanners. I see animal hides. I see fur being scraped. Leather. The belts! Really shiny belts. Making saddles.

The skills I learnt from my parents creating things. Helped my in my mortician job. Having used instruments. I already had the skills. I came from a family of tanners. They worked in round stone hut. I see the straw on the floor.

We then move to my last day in this life. I’m 63.

I’m in a forest, I smell the forest. Fresh. The leaves are on the trees.

Then I’m lying down on the floor looking up. I can’t see the sky for all the leaves above.

I feel something wooden, like a stake in my stomach. A spade?

I then go back to just before this. I leave my home to go to work. To the church. I journey through the woods to get there.

I’m approaching the treeline.

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Big tall old trees. I see a man ahead to my left. He has a freckled face. Tall thin. Ginger haired. Green eyes. Bad teeth. A woodsman?? I don’t know him.

There is an axe is a log stump.

He’s pushed me to the floor. I see red toadstools. I keep seeing brown leather belts.

He wants my leather money pouch. It’s attached to my brown leather belt with a brass buckle. He pushes me to the floor. He stabs me with something wooden.

I’m lying there, helpless. Looking up. The woodsman takes my pouch.

My last thoughts are concerns for my wife. I hope she is ok. She doesn’t know.

Then I see blue sky, peace.

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I feel no pain.

I’m a white energy travelling upwards.

I’m looking down upon my body.

My thoughts about my life. I really enjoyed my final years. I was happy with my wife. Her cooking eat stews.. Contentment.

I look back at what I achieved. I helped people go to their graves with dignity.

At this point my thoughts an feelings towards my apprentice were still that he deserved to die. He would have done it to others. I stopped him. He was on a very dark place.

I then move into my higher awareness. Out of physical body. Who I truly am. “Soul, Spirit.Energy”

My awareness. I’m a rainbow. I exist as a white energy. A spectrum of colours.

I look down to the Earth. See the fields. I then go to the place of my life learning.

I see steps. I see a man above me. I don’t recognise him. But he feels familiar.

Comfortable.

He is here to help me become aware of lessons learned in that lifetime.

I was there to help people, create things. Make things. Use my hands.

But I used my creative hands to kill someone. I shouldn’t have.

It was wrong and done in temper.

I was not meant to destroy.

If I could have done something differently. I wouldn’t have killed my apprentice.

I didn’t have the right to put that punishment on him. Someone else. The law, justice should have dealt with him. A trial.

Maybe the way I died was Karma.

Lyn: “Karma serves not to punish us, but for understanding”

How I felt about my murderer?

A tormented soul, greedy. Didn’t want to work for a living. He would have carried on suffering.

I worked hard all of my life. He took it away from me.

Seeing my sister’s dead eyes, I lost control and strangled my apprentice in temper.

My lesson learned. Use my hands for good,. Don’t lose my temper.

It’s something that I continue to work on in this life. I’ve been blessed with musical talent, art and Practice Reiki. With my hands.

I don’t lose my temper in a physical way.  The extreme..I’ll hit a cushion in a rage. Then go on a bicycle ride in the woods. But in this life I have to stop letting people push my buttons. Instead of a considered, calm response. I fly off the handle. Temper didn’t serve me well in the past life. It won’t and isn’t in this life.

I do get tried and tested constantly by negative people. They want me to suffer their horrible lives. I pity them now. I used to hate them.

Patience and calm are my aim in this life. The answers come to me.

Achieved by meditation. “Meditation” is the key. Natural foods, cut out the toxins. Water.

Walking away, taking a breath.

Lyn talks me through this;

I understand that I’m constantly being given situations in this lifetime to test my reactions. To force me to make different decisions to the ones I made in this past lifetime. Until I fully integrate the lesson. I will always be given the opportunities to learn. Since my first attunement a couple of years ago in Reiki. Having been closed off, full of anger and living a life of booze, recreational drugs, ciggies, constant upset, upheaval, moving house. Things have changed. Most of the time I see the tests coming. React differently. I’ve still not cracked it though. “I must never act or react in anger”

Slowly but surely, I make progress. I rarely drink. We cook from scratch from fresh ingredients (no ready meals) Started growing our own veg. I eat a lot of green things. Crave fresh food now. I cut out pop and now drink green tea. (well the odd bit of fizz)

My crisp addiction is almost cracked. Just chocolate.. Well cutting down. I don’t know if I could be dairy free. Who knows? I’ve never been a big red meat eater. A steak a year does me. I do enjoy chicken and fish. Have been vegetarian. I’m not here to preach how you eat.

I personally feel better pure. I do crave the odd cigarette still. Guilty pleasures…

We will see.

I continue to pursue my path to enlightenment.

Yes I do feel better now.

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